Help! Why Does My Neurodivergent Kid Always Get In Trouble At School?
Behavior is usually a sign of unmet needs or lack of appropriate support at school.*
If you’re getting frequent calls home about your child’s behavior, I know how heavy that can feel—especially if, like me, you were the kid who never got “in trouble.”
After more than a decade of receiving these calls as a parent of a neurodivergent child, here’s what I want you to know first:
All behavior is communication.
*Our kids may pick up on the stress around them more than most. Please keep that in mind during these disturbing times, and cut them (and yourself) some extra slack.
A neurodivergent child is communicating the best way they can that a boundary has been crossed, a need isn’t being met, or something feels unsafe.
They are not being bad.
They are having a hard time.
“In Trouble” vs. “Having Trouble”
When a child struggles behaviorally at school, it’s often framed as a discipline issue.
But for neurodivergent kids, behavior is usually a signal of overwhelm, unmet needs, or lack of appropriate support.
Your child doesn’t want to be struggling in front of their peers.
They don’t want the attention, the shame, or the consequences.
And calling home isn’t proof that your child is the problem—it’s often a sign that the system around them needs more support.
Does Your Child Have an IEP (or Equivalent)?
If your child has an IEP—or qualifies for one—these repeated calls may indicate that the teacher is struggling to meet your child’s needs without additional support.
Support doesn’t have to mean punishment or removal. It can look like:
Another teacher in the classroom with special education training (ICT / co-teaching)
A paraprofessional or additional adult support
More training for the teacher around inclusion and disability
A Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA)
A Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP)
Calling you can be a good first step—if it’s part of collaboration, not blame.
But it is not your sole responsibility to solve the problem.
You weren’t there.
You don’t have all the information.
And you’re not the one with eyes on the classroom environment.
What Do I Do When the School Calls?
Here’s how I handle these calls, after many years of practice.
1. Regulate First
If I’m upset, activated, or need to talk to my child first, I no longer push through the conversation. I’ll say I need to call back. And I do, once I can think clearly. If the call comes after the incident, then it’s important but not urgent.
2. Ask About Triggers
When I’m calm, I ask what happened right before the behavior. Not just what my child did—but what led up to it. Pressing for details can feel uncomfortable, but it’s simply data the team needs so everyone can understand what triggered the incident. You’re not blaming, you just need context.
3. Ask What Support Was (or Wasn’t) Available
I ask the teacher:
What strategies were tried?
What could be done differently next time?
What support would help prevent this situation?
I’m always happy to workshop solutions together or call an emergency IEP meeting if needed. It may be that his current placement isn’t appropriate and he needs a more supportive environment. What I won’t accept is blame or punishment.
4. Stay On My Child’s Team
I do not buy into the implication that my child is “in trouble” because an adult struggled to communicate with him appropriately.
I push back on punishments that feel unfair or inappropriate given the lack of support in the moment. As a people-pleaser, it’s no fun to question authority, but my kid needs me to be his advocate, so I’ve learned.
You Aren’t the Discipline Arm of the School
You can listen.
You can collaborate.
You can reinforce expectations at home (if they align with your parenting values).
But you are not responsible for fixing systemic gaps in the education system. Your child has a right to appropriate support so that these situations don’t keep happening.
Let teachers know, in your own words:
“I want to work with you. AND my child deserves support, not repeated punishment for unmet needs.”
The Bottom Line: Behavior is Communication
Repeated calls home are information, not a verdict.
You can be calm, collaborative, and firm at the same time. Nervous system regulation skills help with this.
You’re allowed to advocate.
You’re allowed to push back.
You’re allowed to stay firmly on your child’s side.
Your kid isn’t trying to cause problems.
They’re trying to survive a system that wasn’t built for them.
A kinder future for our kids begins with kindness toward ourselves.
Yes, I am definitely seeing my 6yo ADHDer, who also has high anxiety, behave in a much more aggressive and anxious way at school these past couple of weeks. Though we at home are trying to keep everything stable, we live in south Minneapolis and the tension remains very high in and around the school. He is highly sensitive and communicates with his body before his words. It is a lot for all of us to hold here.
I love this sentence. You are not the discipline arm of the school. I am a part-time EL teacher in a school that tries to use parents in this way. And I feel like it's so harmful to kids' relationships with their parents, in addition to being counterproductive for relationship building between teacher and student.