3 Meditations to Build the Inner Strength You Need to Fight for Your Child
When you know that it's time to advocate for your kid against a broken system, and you want to feel unruffled and resilient, try this.
The phone rings. It is yet another call from the school, and this time you know things have gone too far. Your autistic child isn’t getting the accommodations they need, or things just aren’t working out and you have to find them a new setting. The special education system will sometimes work with you, but often works against you.
You know it’s time to stand tall and be the best advocate you can be. This can feel intimidating and isolating at first, even if you bring someone with you to the meeting. You walk into a school, and suddenly you feel seven years old again. You perch on a tiny chair, waiting for the principal or another administrator to call you into the meeting. In the meeting, you look around the table and you are the only one who isn’t a professional educator.
You are an expert, however, on your unique child.
Everyone there expects you to advocate for your kid. They would do the same for their kids. You know your voice needs to be heard because you are your child’s protector. Then why are you shaking? What happened to your voice? Everyone is talking and your brain is buzzing with all the things you need to tell them. You feel like you might cry, but you’re not sad. Instead, you’re angry, stressed, and overwhelmed.
Want my framework for getting through your annual IEP meeting with confidence? Download: 5 Steps to Calm & Successful IEP Meetings.
When you know that you need to advocate for your child, you want to feel unruffled and resilient.
While I find it a little easier now, I always get nervous before a meeting where I’ll have to advocate for my son. It feels like his future is hanging in the balance. It can be a heavy, lonely burden. I’ve cried through many IEP meetings. There’s no shame in crying. Vulnerability has value too. It shows how much we care. It took time for me to become more confident and resilient. My hope is that it won’t take as much time for you as it took for me.
Parents are expected to advocate for our kids. Until there is a kinder, more humane special education system in place, we must show up to fight for our autistic kids even when the situation is overwhelming. Since there’s usually a power imbalance between parents and school staff, it’s important to know how can we step into our own power. How will we kindle our inner strength?
Anger is an appropriate response to the injustice we’re experiencing. When we are self-regulated, we can choose how we express it. You don’t need to go into a meeting upset or yelling. If you feel strong and confident, you won't need to yell. You can keep your head clear and maintain positive relationships even while advocating for your child’s rights.
I do my best to keep my heart open when I'm feeling vulnerable or angry. I’ve found that pushing those feelings down just makes them come out bigger.
Below are 3 practices that have helped me remain unruffled through some contentious situations.
Feel the Soles of Your Feet
Stand up or shift in your seat until you can put your feet firmly on the ground. Spread out your feet. Wiggle your toes and shift your weight side to side and front to back. Then pause with your feet evenly grounded.
Imagine your tension draining down your body into the soles of your feet and then through your feet into the ground as if you had roots. Feel yourself rooted into the earth and supported by gravity.
When your mind wanders, take it back down to the soles of your feet. Stay present with whatever else is going on around you, while keeping a connection to your planted feet. When you feel ready, wiggle your toes, and move on with your day, standing a little taller.
Notice how you feel after practicing Feel the Soles of Your Feet
Want my framework for getting through your annual IEP meeting with confidence? Download: 5 Steps to Calm & Successful IEP Meetings.
Who Has Your Back Breathing
I’ve used this practice to help me stay open and present when I’m feeling out of my depth, such as at an IEP meeting. If I feel disrespected, I may instinctively lash out in a self-protective way. When I'm feeling unsupported or judged, it helps when I know that someone has my back.
When I practice this, I have to literally feel something at my back. I lean against a wall or the back of my chair. I face the door.
This meditation is inspired by the concept of “strong back, soft front compassion.” Each part may take a few days of practice before you feel ready to move on. Take a few breaths as you go about your day. It doesn’t need to be a separate item on your to-do list.
Part 1:
Ask yourself, “Who has my back?” Think of someone who will back you up. They have seen you at your worst and they accept you and support you. Feel that they have your back and they are behind you or near you, supporting you. Lean into them. If you can’t think of anyone in your life currently, think of an ancestor, a beloved pet, or a group of parents like you.
Breathe in as if through the back of your heart and receive the support. Don’t focus on your exhale, just let it happen passively. Keep breathing in the feeling that you are held, seen, and understood. Allow yourself to receive. Build up that feeling of support until you are filled with it.
Part 2:
As you keep your eyes open, think of a moment when someone pushed your buttons.
When you are ready: Keep breathing in through the back of your heart, and now add in breathing out through the front. Imagine beaming your breath out from your chest. Exhale a beam of kindness towards whoever is pushing your buttons. Trust that they are doing the best they can.
Even out your inhale and exhale. Breathe in support and breathe out kindness. The front of the heart symbolizes giving and the back of the heart symbolizes receiving. If you start to feel depleted or resentful, go back to Part 1 for as long as you want.
Part 3:
After you have practiced many times, you will eventually find that you can go directly to this step in a triggering moment: Breathe evenly in your back and out your front. Balance receptivity and generosity.
Notice how you feel after practicing Who Has Your Back Breathing
Fire Breath
This breath is useful when you want to focus your anger on something productive. Harness your inner fire to pursue your goals with steadiness and focus. This breath practice can help you unlock your diaphragm muscle, which can get stuck when we have a lot of stress. It can help you connect with your navel center, or solar plexus, which is seen as the power center of the body. When we feel strong in our center, we are less easily swayed. You may feel capable of conquering any challenge!
Do this either sitting or lying down. If you feel spaced out, stop and breathe naturally. You may want to blow your nose before practicing Fire Breath.
Put a hand on your belly to feel the movement as you breathe through your nose. Take a few full breaths in and out, then inhale halfway. Pump some of your breath out using your lower abdominal muscles, like a bellows. Let your navel be the source of the action. After each pump, release your belly to allow a little breath in. Keep the breath even on the inhale and exhale.
Continue with small sniffs in and out through your nose. This takes practice! Start slow. Eventually, build a steady rhythm. Actively exhale by snapping your navel towards your spine, then immediately relax it to allow the passive inhale.
Try 5 repetitions at first. Keep it calm and steady. Then take a deep, complete breath, and return to a natural breath. Over several days, you can build up to 3 rounds of 10 sniffs. If you feel like you are hyperventilating, make sure you are breathing into your belly rather than your chest, and don’t overdo it. Slow down. Do less. If you feel like you are running out of breath, also slow down. Think of the practice as one long breath rather than each in and out sniff being a full breath. Rather than a firehose, think of a metronome, and keep a steady pace.
If you experience confusion, recognize that it is also a natural part of the learning process. You may be breathing backwards by pulling your navel in as you inhale and pushing it out as you exhale. If this happens, stop and reset.
Notice how you feel after practicing Fire Breath
I used to dread those times when I had to fight for my child. Now I stand tall. Instead of spiraling down or flaring up, I reach for these practices. When I’m in a painful and vulnerable moment, I remember to keep breathing. I practice these meditations a lot when I am calm, with my eyes open, or I won’t remember to practice when things get uncomfortable.
I hope you’ll feel empowered by these meditation practices as we work together for a fairer, kinder system, . When we are self-regulated, we can choose how we express our feelings. When we feel strong and confident, it may not be necessary to yell.
If we want to make this world kinder and more inclusive for our children, we can start by unapologetically, unflinchingly advocating for them within the current system. As you build your inner strength with the help of these meditations, remember that there are other parents like you who are fighting for our kids. We have your back!
A version of this article was published in Autism Advocate Parenting Magazine.
Want my framework for getting through your annual IEP meeting with confidence? Download: 5 Steps to Calm & Successful IEP Meetings.