Thank you for this thoughtful article on something that has been a secret for so many of us for too long. It comes as a relief to see it all in the open.
Noticed Jeff's comment... I have heard the things you mention come out of my own mouth. Sometimes because the programing and spaces available to my children have been grossly underfunded with poorly trained staff. Sometimes because we have made it so easy to abuse disabled children that I have had to in order to keep my children with limited vocabulary, and thus unable to report, safe from harm. And yes, sometimes I have said these types of things because I simply cannot manage parenting, being a development and behavioral specialist, a foster care case worker and a decent loving warm mama and I was so terrified by the systems failing my child that I couldn't trust anyone. So stuck in between and rock and a hard horrible place and isolated and shamed for being so -- how could I figure that all out and be socially graceful too! I couldn't. And that is exactly why I find this article so important. It gives me hope that not doing it alone could also mean not blindly over to anyone who will take them because I haven't the energy to do any better.
I think it's so important to acknowledge that anger was not allowed for those of us raised as girls. Well, feeling it was OK. Expressing it was not allowed! We were trained to cry when we were mad, less threatening to the men in our lives. When I was fifteen I was so frustrated that, when my father came home on Sundays he was treated like a king. We put on our party dresses and he sat in a big chair and we brought him food and coffee. Meanwhile my mother mowed the lawn repaired the television and the washing machine cooked all the meals wash all the dishes etc. etc. etc. He was only home on Sundays. He had a lot of other extracurricular activities going on in the city the rest of the time, and of course he "worked." Well, that particular Sunday, my mother was preparing food at he came down and sat in her chair. Symbolically it just made me so mad. Absolutely no support for her, not even much money. She went nine years one time without a new pair of shoes. Meanwhile in the city he was taking taxi cabs and living in hotels., I broke all the taboo in the family and said to him, shaking, "that's my mother's chair." he stood up to his full 6 ft. height and bellowed at me very loud, deep voice, "no Daughter of mine will talk back to me!" I ran upstairs sobbing and of course I never did it again. But I left home when I was 17.
I totally agree that better support is the answer. But I have to also point out that resistance to support often comes from the parent herself. “I alone will make all decisions about my child.” “Butt out!” “I object to teachers ‘indoctrinating’ my child!” “I can’t turn my child over to a babysitter, a family member, or daycare for any significant amount of time because I don’t trust them.” Etc. Yes, such attitudes are also societally taught, but a parent needs to recognize that and resist them, rather than lean in to them. Note how much resistance and aversion there was to the idea of “it takes a village” when that was being promoted. It wasn’t just because of the person who wrote the book…
Thank you for this thoughtful article on something that has been a secret for so many of us for too long. It comes as a relief to see it all in the open.
Noticed Jeff's comment... I have heard the things you mention come out of my own mouth. Sometimes because the programing and spaces available to my children have been grossly underfunded with poorly trained staff. Sometimes because we have made it so easy to abuse disabled children that I have had to in order to keep my children with limited vocabulary, and thus unable to report, safe from harm. And yes, sometimes I have said these types of things because I simply cannot manage parenting, being a development and behavioral specialist, a foster care case worker and a decent loving warm mama and I was so terrified by the systems failing my child that I couldn't trust anyone. So stuck in between and rock and a hard horrible place and isolated and shamed for being so -- how could I figure that all out and be socially graceful too! I couldn't. And that is exactly why I find this article so important. It gives me hope that not doing it alone could also mean not blindly over to anyone who will take them because I haven't the energy to do any better.
I think it's so important to acknowledge that anger was not allowed for those of us raised as girls. Well, feeling it was OK. Expressing it was not allowed! We were trained to cry when we were mad, less threatening to the men in our lives. When I was fifteen I was so frustrated that, when my father came home on Sundays he was treated like a king. We put on our party dresses and he sat in a big chair and we brought him food and coffee. Meanwhile my mother mowed the lawn repaired the television and the washing machine cooked all the meals wash all the dishes etc. etc. etc. He was only home on Sundays. He had a lot of other extracurricular activities going on in the city the rest of the time, and of course he "worked." Well, that particular Sunday, my mother was preparing food at he came down and sat in her chair. Symbolically it just made me so mad. Absolutely no support for her, not even much money. She went nine years one time without a new pair of shoes. Meanwhile in the city he was taking taxi cabs and living in hotels., I broke all the taboo in the family and said to him, shaking, "that's my mother's chair." he stood up to his full 6 ft. height and bellowed at me very loud, deep voice, "no Daughter of mine will talk back to me!" I ran upstairs sobbing and of course I never did it again. But I left home when I was 17.
I totally agree that better support is the answer. But I have to also point out that resistance to support often comes from the parent herself. “I alone will make all decisions about my child.” “Butt out!” “I object to teachers ‘indoctrinating’ my child!” “I can’t turn my child over to a babysitter, a family member, or daycare for any significant amount of time because I don’t trust them.” Etc. Yes, such attitudes are also societally taught, but a parent needs to recognize that and resist them, rather than lean in to them. Note how much resistance and aversion there was to the idea of “it takes a village” when that was being promoted. It wasn’t just because of the person who wrote the book…