I think sometimes the issue is conflicting access needs though.
So speaking as an autistic adult, I’ve learnt the hard way that I can’t always be really great friends with some other ND people. Our profiles are all ‘spiky’ - and sometimes those ‘spikes’ poke each other. So just as an example, last minute changes of plan absolutely _throw_ me and can send me spiralling. Whereas another autist might have time blindness and turn up really late, or might be a PDAer who cancels half an hour before they’re due to arrive.
We’re all autistic - but our needs conflict. There might be ways around this, and there might not. But as I’m an adult, no one is telling me I ought to be a friend to them or invite them into my home, or to my birthday party (well, that’s theoretical as I don’t celebrate my birthday with a party).
And it’s similar with ND kids. There are always conflicting access needs within the ND community and I think it’s not as simple as saying we should just be open all the time. Some ND kids trigger each other and especially as for many of our ND kiddos the home is their ‘safe space’, I don’t think we should necessarily invite everyone around - there are often ways around it, for example, my autistic youngest sees her very boisterous ADHD friend in the park, as in the (small - don’t forget, many of us, especially those of us low income families, often have tiny living spaces) house he’s just too much for her and she melts down. But sometimes friendships don’t work for our kiddos because of those conflicting needs, and I do think as parents, part of our job is teaching our ND kids how to advocate for themselves and sometimes that might include boundaries over who comes to the house.
It’s a tough one isn’t it. I’ve also noticed that it’s usually on the more quiet, routine-craving neurodivergent children to be accepting of their louder, more spirited neurodivergent peers - and, not always, but more often than not, that tends to fall down gendered lines, which also doesn’t seem right. Like, I don’t think it’s necessarily ableist for an autistic girl to say ‘actually that boy doesn’t respect my personal space - it’s not his fault, but I don’t want him in my home, my safe space’.
I mean, as an adult autist these things are a struggle for me, too, but at least I get to set my own boundaries if you get me.
Hey Ruth, thanks for this. I’m going to reread your points and respond, but I’m wondering if you read my post before writing. It’s not specifically about including neurodivergent kids, although I do think that is part of having an inclusive mindset.
Please note even in the title it says young kids. I don’t advocate mashing people together in small crowded spaces just because they are all neurodivergent. That sounds like a nightmare to me with my sensory sensitivities.
I definitely have to be ready for the energy certain friends bring to our little Brooklyn apartment, and my son is way more tolerant than I am.
This piece is more about the implicit bias we carry and unconsciously pass on to our kids (ND & NT) and how young it happens. Skin color is recognized by babies, and it takes guidance to interrupt systemic racism, for example. I don’t believe parents of atypical kids can ignore that.
Yes, our kids are being discriminated against in other ways. The solution is a more inclusive world.
That doesn’t mean adults should hang out with anyone, but if they grow up knowing about bias, they will have fewer limits and more opportunities to see people for who they are.
I did invite the whole class to birthday parties when my son was younger, and it was a sensory nightmare that was both a blast and meltdown inducing. I couldn’t leave out half the class, it went against my values.
We chose big, open spaces that were sensory friendly, and provided a variety of activities. I welcomed siblings, and paid for car fare for one family.
My son loved being the center of attention on his birthday, and it meant he was invited to more birthday parties than he would have been otherwise. I got to know the other parents.
Of course we don’t do that anymore, but it was a few years invested in embodying my values in a tangible way.
Tolerance is a muscle I’m always working to grow. I know there are nuances, and I am here for the thoughtful dialogue.
Just to add. I do think a lot of NTs (I don’t know if you are NT or ND, and I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, by the way) have the assumption that all ND people will just get along with each other fine. If anything it can be harder sometimes for us to get along with other NDs, and an understanding NT can actually make a better friend! For example an ND person with misophonia might really struggle with an ND friend with a lot of loud vocal stims. Perhaps the person with misophonia can wear ear defenders for a while, but you know - maybe they’re just not going to be BFFs, and that’s okay - sometimes people’s access needs conflict too much.
Like, you can have acceptance and understanding, but that can sometimes include accepting and understanding that not everyone’s gonna be a good fit for your own blend of neurospicy. But in my experience this means being prepared to have honest, sometimes difficult conversations with your fellow neurodivergent people. Humour helps.
And when it’s children, sometimes it means difficult conversations between parents of ND kids about finding a way through conflicting access needs, which can sometimes even mean realising that those needs, right now, just conflict too much to have everyone at a birthday party.
I think sometimes the issue is conflicting access needs though.
So speaking as an autistic adult, I’ve learnt the hard way that I can’t always be really great friends with some other ND people. Our profiles are all ‘spiky’ - and sometimes those ‘spikes’ poke each other. So just as an example, last minute changes of plan absolutely _throw_ me and can send me spiralling. Whereas another autist might have time blindness and turn up really late, or might be a PDAer who cancels half an hour before they’re due to arrive.
We’re all autistic - but our needs conflict. There might be ways around this, and there might not. But as I’m an adult, no one is telling me I ought to be a friend to them or invite them into my home, or to my birthday party (well, that’s theoretical as I don’t celebrate my birthday with a party).
And it’s similar with ND kids. There are always conflicting access needs within the ND community and I think it’s not as simple as saying we should just be open all the time. Some ND kids trigger each other and especially as for many of our ND kiddos the home is their ‘safe space’, I don’t think we should necessarily invite everyone around - there are often ways around it, for example, my autistic youngest sees her very boisterous ADHD friend in the park, as in the (small - don’t forget, many of us, especially those of us low income families, often have tiny living spaces) house he’s just too much for her and she melts down. But sometimes friendships don’t work for our kiddos because of those conflicting needs, and I do think as parents, part of our job is teaching our ND kids how to advocate for themselves and sometimes that might include boundaries over who comes to the house.
It’s a tough one isn’t it. I’ve also noticed that it’s usually on the more quiet, routine-craving neurodivergent children to be accepting of their louder, more spirited neurodivergent peers - and, not always, but more often than not, that tends to fall down gendered lines, which also doesn’t seem right. Like, I don’t think it’s necessarily ableist for an autistic girl to say ‘actually that boy doesn’t respect my personal space - it’s not his fault, but I don’t want him in my home, my safe space’.
I mean, as an adult autist these things are a struggle for me, too, but at least I get to set my own boundaries if you get me.
Hey Ruth, thanks for this. I’m going to reread your points and respond, but I’m wondering if you read my post before writing. It’s not specifically about including neurodivergent kids, although I do think that is part of having an inclusive mindset.
Please note even in the title it says young kids. I don’t advocate mashing people together in small crowded spaces just because they are all neurodivergent. That sounds like a nightmare to me with my sensory sensitivities.
I definitely have to be ready for the energy certain friends bring to our little Brooklyn apartment, and my son is way more tolerant than I am.
This piece is more about the implicit bias we carry and unconsciously pass on to our kids (ND & NT) and how young it happens. Skin color is recognized by babies, and it takes guidance to interrupt systemic racism, for example. I don’t believe parents of atypical kids can ignore that.
Yes, our kids are being discriminated against in other ways. The solution is a more inclusive world.
That doesn’t mean adults should hang out with anyone, but if they grow up knowing about bias, they will have fewer limits and more opportunities to see people for who they are.
I did invite the whole class to birthday parties when my son was younger, and it was a sensory nightmare that was both a blast and meltdown inducing. I couldn’t leave out half the class, it went against my values.
We chose big, open spaces that were sensory friendly, and provided a variety of activities. I welcomed siblings, and paid for car fare for one family.
My son loved being the center of attention on his birthday, and it meant he was invited to more birthday parties than he would have been otherwise. I got to know the other parents.
Of course we don’t do that anymore, but it was a few years invested in embodying my values in a tangible way.
Tolerance is a muscle I’m always working to grow. I know there are nuances, and I am here for the thoughtful dialogue.
Just to add. I do think a lot of NTs (I don’t know if you are NT or ND, and I’m not saying this is what you’re doing, by the way) have the assumption that all ND people will just get along with each other fine. If anything it can be harder sometimes for us to get along with other NDs, and an understanding NT can actually make a better friend! For example an ND person with misophonia might really struggle with an ND friend with a lot of loud vocal stims. Perhaps the person with misophonia can wear ear defenders for a while, but you know - maybe they’re just not going to be BFFs, and that’s okay - sometimes people’s access needs conflict too much.
Like, you can have acceptance and understanding, but that can sometimes include accepting and understanding that not everyone’s gonna be a good fit for your own blend of neurospicy. But in my experience this means being prepared to have honest, sometimes difficult conversations with your fellow neurodivergent people. Humour helps.
And when it’s children, sometimes it means difficult conversations between parents of ND kids about finding a way through conflicting access needs, which can sometimes even mean realising that those needs, right now, just conflict too much to have everyone at a birthday party.