Why You Shouldn't Let Your Young Kids Choose Their Own Friends
Inclusivity is a conscious decision.
If you’ve ever wished for a world where your kid wasn’t excluded, you get to be part of making that world a reality. Inclusivity is a conscious decision that we make every day.
Tomorrow we honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and I’m thinking about how our kids learn bias, and why it takes a conscious effort to interrupt it. As parents of neurodivergent kids, I’m sure you think about these things too, and I can’t wait to hear what you have to say after reading this.
This reframe will help create the inclusive future that all our kids deserve.
“Let your kids choose their own friends.”
Who can argue with that? It sounds so reasonable, logical, and benign. But I actually think it is really bad advice.
It goes along with rationalizations like:
“My kindergartener just happens to like these kids, so that’s who they invited to the party.” (Shrugs and ignores the fact that those friends all look just like their kid.)
I never had a great comeback to this, because on the surface it seemed respectful. I want my kid to be able to make choices, and I want to believe that kids are unbiased.
Of course we are all born without prejudice!
But very young, our kids start to borrow our unconscious thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t mean we’re bad or our kids are bad. We pass on the code that was passed to us. We don’t even know we’re doing it. As mammals, we gravitate towards sameness, because sameness is safe. Our nervous system acts fast. Its job is to detect threats in the blink of an eye to keep us alive. We categorize, sort, and develop opinions based on appearances. As we’ve evolved, it has been a reliable way to keep us safe.
It’s called implicit bias.
But the world has changed, and we continue to evolve as a species.
We can interrupt those patterns. We have a choice. Inclusivity is a conscious decision.
Throughout our history, hierarchies have developed that put some people over others based on appearance, and terrible things have been done to maintain those hierarchies. Do we want to continue to participate in that? Do we want to do things the old way, or do we want to disown those hierarchies and build a more inclusive future for our kids?
We can decide to interrupt our own implicit biases, and then we can teach our kids to notice theirs. This conscious decision may not be easy, but it is liberatory.
This reminds me of a NY Times Op-Ed by Topher Sanders:
“I heard it, but I wasn’t quite sure that’s what I heard.
“Not you, you’re black,” said the girl, reaching out to touch my son. “You’re not white. Only white people can play.”
I knew a moment like this would happen eventually. I just didn’t think it would happen at age 5 on the playground.
And what of the little girl? She, too, is a casualty in this — infected by racism before she can even spell the word.
It would be easy to dismiss the whole exchange as kids being kids. She’s young enough that she hasn’t developed the filters to catch what she’s being taught at home. There’s a direct line from what she’s learning to her mouth…
Systemic racism apparently begins at the playground.
-Topher Sanders, ‘Only White People,’ Said the Little Girl
You Can and Should Step in and Educate Your Kids
We guide our children’s decisions all the time. We don’t say “My kid only likes ice cream, so that’s what they’re having for dinner. It’s their choice!” We can steer our kids to make conscious choices in their friendships, just like in their eating habits.
Don’t wait until something embarrassing happens on the playground to think about your values. Talk about inclusion and empathy with your children all the time. You can role play and give them examples based on real life, like the one in the article above.
If your kid declares that they don’t play with other children based on their appearance or their ability, it does not mean they’re bad. It definitely doesn’t mean you should shut them up or shame them. They are not the only kid to ever make this mistake. In fact they are surrounded by examples of bias every day. It’s a learning opportunity.
Remember, our nervous systems need conscious retraining.
A few things we can try instead of letting our kids unconsciously play out the biases they’ve inherited:
Educate yourself on anti-racism, anti-ableism, and other biases.
Talk with your child about embracing differences in ourselves and others. It’s never too early to model inclusion and acceptance.
Assess your own friend group to see what you are modeling for your child. They can see who you hang out with.
If another parent speaks up for their child, please understand that they have a right to do that. Thank them rather than jumping to defensiveness.
Your children will parrot what has been modeled to them. Calmly correct misinformation, just like you would with anything else they are learning about.
When asking who to invite to a party, do some digging. Ask about the kids your child may have forgotten. Better yet, invite the whole class!
Ask about all the kids in class, on the block, etc., and get curious when they say things that seem misaligned with your values. Keep asking, non-judgmentally, until you really understand. Then, you can offer a new perspective.
Keep the communication open. This is not a one-time chat.
Inclusivity is a a conscious decision, and a learned value.
We are teaching our kids how we feel about differences either consciously or unconsciously. It starts with who we invite to our homes and birthday parties.
I don’t have all the answers, far from it. And I don’t have a great conclusion to this post. Just like we can learn from Dr. King, nonviolent resistance, and social justice movements all year long, I hope we can keep this conversation going.
Your reflective and respectful comments are welcome!