Why The Parent Burnout Problem Needs to Be Solved Now

Symptoms of parental burnout like exhaustion, overwhelm, apathy, and shame don't just impact our kids.

Hi Parents,

I was planning to just drop some links to random helpful things for you today…

when chronic stress and exhaustion overwhelm a parent’s ability to cope

I wrote a long post earlier this week on my yoga blog about burnout in highly sensitive people, and Wednesday is our free workshop on finding balance and preventing burnout.

That felt like enough. (I’ve been working on defining enoughness for myself.) I don’t want to be exhausted by this exploration into burnout.

But then…

My inbox and feed flooded with scary statistics about parental burnout, while offering very few useful solutions:

“Sixty-six percent (66%) of working parents reported being burned out.”
-Kate Gawlik & Bernadette Mazurek Melnyk, The Ohio State University, 2022

…and I got fed up!

Additude Magazine shared a few studies and quizzes, which I’ll link to below - if you want to go down that rabbit hole.

Parental burnout sounds a lot like trauma to me: Not enough resources and too much stress for too long overwhelms our ability to cope. We need to do some inner work and figure out how to get out of this cycle. One benefit of these statistics is, we’re obviously not alone in our burnout. We can work on this together.

The research also says there is hope: “Recognizing and intervening for parental burnout have been shown to improve both parent and child outcomes.”

“Parental burnout is a disorder that occurs when a parent is exposed to excessive parental stress without having sufficient resources to compensate for its effect. Parental burnout can thus affect any parent who accumulates more risks than resources for too long.”

-Isabelle Roskam and Moïra Mikolajczak of the Parental Burnout Research Lab

something soothing to cleanse your sensory palate

“Parenting stress is normal and expected. However, when chronic stress and exhaustion occur that overwhelm a parent’s ability to cope and function, it is called parental burnout. Burnout often results from a mismatch between perceived stressors and available resources and results in parents feeling physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, as well as often detached from their children…

“Children’s emotions and behaviors are often a source of stress for parents. This survey found that parents who were very worried about their children’s mental health had a higher level of burnout than parents who were less worried.”

-Gawlik, K., Melnyk Mazurek, B. (2022). Pandemic parenting: Examining the epidemic of working parental burnout and strategies to help. The Ohio State University.

You can love the heck out of your kids and still get burnt out.

Burnout doesn’t mean you’re doing parenting wrong. As the Parental Burnout Research Lab says, “Self-fulfillment and exhaustion can co-exist, and it is possible to love your children, yet feel exhausted in your role as a parent.”

Don’t buy into guilt or shame around how you’re handling what is a well-documented issue - it’s clear that parental burnout stems from systems of oppression. In the research, there is, of course, no mention of factors like ableism, systemic oppression, patriarchy, misogyny, or capitalism as underlying cultural causes of parental burnout…

We can read between the lines, though.

Look at the risk factors that make burnout even more likely:

“Being female, the number of children living in the home, anxiety in the parent, having children with the diagnosis of either anxiety or ADHD and parental concern that their child(ren) may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder were strongly associated with parental burnout.”

If you’re resistant to caring for yourself for your own sake, several studies focus on the impact of parental burnout on kids.

In fact, one study called “Parental Burnout: What Is It, and Why Does It Matter?” fascinated me. It focused almost entirely on the impact of parental burnout on children, rather than the impact on the people experiencing burnout. The study’s “findings show that parental burnout is a serious condition that urgently requires more attention,” and the evidence for that is “parental burnout strongly increases escape ideation as well as neglectful and violent behaviors toward one’s children.” Is the impact on children the only reason parental burnout matters?

Also see: “Parental ADHD Symptomology and Ineffective Parenting,” which examines links between “ADHD symptoms and parenting practices that require inhibition of impulses, sustained attention, and consistency.”

These studies directly or indirectly point to a lack of adequate parent support, education, and resources - especially for neurodiverse families.

• “Burnout was strongly associated with depression, anxiety and increased alcohol consumption in parents, as well as the likelihood for parents to engage in punitive parenting practices.

• “Parental burnout is associated with children’s internalizing, externalizing and attention behaviors.”

It makes sense that parents’ nervous systems are stuck in flight (escape, panic), fight (yelling and violence), or freeze (numbing, addiction). That’s what happens to anyone whose circumstances overwhelm their ability to cope. Yup, these are trauma responses. Once we know that, we can choose what to do about it. We can do small things to repair and grow from our challenges. We can build on those small changes, and gain momentum towards healing. Guilt and shame will try to pull us back, and we’ll need to grab for support to help us take baby steps toward firmer ground.

Then, we can reach back and pull others out.

Are you teetering on the edge of parental burnout? Are you in the quicksand now? Or have you recently been dragged to safety? You can take this quiz if you’re not sure.

Here are just a few of the questions on the self-test:

• I find it exhausting just thinking of everything I have to do for my child(ren)

• I’m in survival mode in my role as a parent

• My role as a parent uses up all my resources

• I have the sense that I’m really worn out as a parent

• I’m so tired out by my role as a parent that sleeping doesn’t seem like enough

Does any of that resonate?

Ugh, I’ve been there. It really does feel like quicksand.

I see you, and I know you’re doing your best. But we can’t keep talking about this, and complaining of exhaustion and burnout, without taking responsibility for changing it.

You may think you’re just stepping on Legos, but your invisible work is shaping the future of our planet.

The work we’re doing is hard, invisible, essential… and also transformational. Breaking cycles is radical work. We’re raising the next generation, and this burnout shit is SO ENTRENCHED in hustle culture, ableism, patriarchy, and systemic oppression that it isn’t going to magically resolve itself.

Those who are benefiting from the system of unpaid labor (and underpaid labor) aren’t going to send you a spa day gift certificate… Not without strings attached.

you know you’re worthy of joy and ease, and you request the support you need

What Would It Feel Like to Take Back Your Enthusiasm and Your Purpose?

I’m not promising you happiness all the time (in fact, awareness of your full range of feelings is more liberating and honest), but it is okay to feel joy and ease as a parent, to say no to things, to get help, and to actively seek out what brings you vitality, pleasure, and relaxation.

Yes, even with YOUR family.

Even if your children are struggling, it is okay to live a life that shows what’s possible. That will allow you to be more empathetic with your kids’ struggles, not less. If your kid is in the quicksand, you’ll be in a better position to pull them out if you’re on solid ground yourself.

Let’s turn parenting burnout around. Are you in?

Please, pause…

Imaging what will happen when:

1. You believe you can make a small change, and it will gain momentum, like a snowball rolling downhill.

2. You bring awareness to your own feelings and needs.

3. You know you’re worthy of joy and ease, and you request the support you need so you can fill your cup.

4. You reframe boundaries as loving guide rails in your relationships.

5. You embrace meaningful self-care as the FOUNDATION of your parenting rather than a “should” or “would be nice” or “selfish” or “not for me.”

The "shoulds" can't stay at the bottom of your to-do list forever. It's simple, but it isn't easy. You need to make changes in your life, but your brain is designed to resist changes, even helpful ones. That’s why we all need support!

Avoid Burnout & Find Balance

• Meaningful self-care is what you make it. This video clears up common misconceptions about self-care: 3 self-care myths you need to know.

• If you'd like to do something about your burnout, read: Top 3 Things Sensitive People Need to Avoid Burnout and Find Balance.

• Here are 10 tips to help you make time for self-care. 

I’d love to read your comments about any of this.

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DON'T LET BURNOUT EXTINGUISH YOUR SPARK!

With burnout, the passion that drives you to help others is extinguished, leading to a lack of motivation and fulfillment. But you can use your strengths to start to feel better and find that passion again. You’ll discover what works best for you, and create a personalized self-care routine. You will need to set boundaries and ask for support to prioritize your self-care routine.

Sign up now for our free online gentle yoga workshop:

Equinox Flow: find balance, banish burnout

1. Practice meaningful self-care,

2. create loving boundaries, and

3. reach out for support. 

Accepting help, taking care of yourself, and setting boundaries can help you thrive.

Equinox Flow: find balance, banish burnout

I hope to see you there! Sign up before your kids distract you:

Please excuse typos in this rant - I’m practicing growth mindset and walking away from perfectionism (enoughness). Please come to my workshop as my honored guest.

Oxoxo,

Kate (she/her)

"I work from home, I'm a single parent, and I have a lot on my plate. Moving my body always makes things better for me. I've realized that I have anxiety. The tools that you give us, whether it's through breath or movement or mindset, help me deal with that on a day-to-day basis."
-Meghan W., parent of neurodiverse twins