How Making Time For Yourself Will Improve Your Parenting

We're parents of neurodivergent kids. Of course we set aside our own goals.

Rebekah Lara has 3 daughters with multiple health challenges. Her story of resilience shows how pursuing our own interests can liberate our whole family.

Rebekah joined me on the Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids Podcast to talk about time freedom and the importance of pursuing our own interests as parents.

Rebekah's story is one of resilience and purpose. With 3 neurodivergent daughters, her already full life changed course when faced with the sudden and significant health challenges of her eldest daughter, a survivor of acute liver failure and subsequent multiple organ failure.

Despite the overwhelming circumstances, Rebekah navigated this complex journey with calm determination. As she marks the sixth year since her life took this unexpected turn, her personal struggle has turned into her mission—aiming to support other parents navigating similar paths. She knows how precious time freedom can be and she is teaching us to allocate it for ourselves.

We discuss the transformative power of setting boundaries, the grace found in accepting help, and the unequivocal importance of self-care.

Watch on YouTube, listen to the podcast, or read the transcript below.

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It really helps other parents find this resource.

Rebekah is an entrepreneur, a life coach, and mom to 3 daughters with multiple health challenges. She opened up about her journey through burnout to becoming a beacon of self-care and intentional parenting.

Resilient Parents Know: Making Time for Yourself is Essential

Rebekah's experience is not just a tale of survival but a testament to her dedication to bringing understanding, freedom, and hope to families like ours.

Transcript:

Kate Lynch Parents, if you feel like nobody understands how hard it is for you, I'd like you to listen to Rebekah's story, and understand that no matter what you're going through, we are here with you.

Are you feeling overwhelmed parenting your neurodivergent kids during these stressful times? Yeah, me too. Welcome to Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids, a neurodiversity affirming parenting podcast where you'll find connections, strategies, and support for your journey.

Do you long to embody mindfulness and compassion in your parenting life?

Yeah, me too. Let's go on this journey together.

Hi Rebekah.

Rebekah Lara Hello.

Kate I'm going to start with this statement:

“Making time for ourselves is the best way to show up as a parent.”

Here to prove that is Rebekah Lara, a Certified Life Coach and creator of the Time Freedom Simplified Program, where she helps mom entrepreneurs build their businesses while working less, so they can be a caregiver without giving up their own dreams.

With two businesses and three young daughters with multiple health challenges, Rebekah has streamlined her own systems, manages it all without the overwhelm, and is passionate about helping other mom entrepreneurs calm the chaos, too.

I can attest to the truth of this statement, because Rebekah and I met in an entrepreneurial group and she has helped me so much with my extreme time management challenges. So welcome, Rebekah. I'm so happy you're here.

Rebekah

It's an honor. Thank you.

Kate

I think that parents would [00:02:00] really love to hear what you have been up against. I've seen you like not get ruffled and to not be overwhelmed. And I just wonder how you have done it with all of the challenges that have occurred in your family.

Rebekah

Great question. And I want to start by saying this didn't happen for me overnight. I'm on this journey because it's something I needed first for myself. And my goal and mission is to bring this to more parents.

Like you said, I have three daughters.

They all have multiple health challenges. All three are neurodivergent, one is on the autism spectrum, and my oldest is a survivor of acute liver failure, which resulted in multiple organ failure. And I was in the weeds for a very long time dealing with A lot.

March 1st will be the sixth year anniversary. That date is also my birthday. So she went into liver failure out of the blue on that date in the middle of a play date. Everything was fine in the morning and she came down and told me, Hey mom, I'm not feeling very well.

And I'm like, okay, just let's sit on the couch. What's going on? Her friend's upstairs playing with dolls. She was eight years old at the time. It just came out of nowhere. And. A couple days later, she was, in the emergency room and then transferred by ambulance to the children's hospital.

And less than 12 hours after that, probably, she was in the ICU on life support. So it just happened in an instant. And I still have full body chills as I think about it.

Let me just say, she's come so far. The good news is that she has recovered. Back to baseline and I say baseline because she had multiple health challenges before that, but they were unrelated to her liver.

But she's thriving. She's in high school. She's on the swim [00:04:00] team. It's amazing, but it was a very long journey. It's like I said, we're coming up on six years and her recovery was It's about three and a half years and it involved 24 seven oxygen, being in a wheelchair, being on a feeding tube, having a nurse in our home every night for three and a half years to help her so that we could sleep.

So it was very intense. And on top of it, we have two other younger daughters and like I said, they have their own diagnoses. So I. Was not managing my time well. The statement I said over and over to people is, "I don't have time. I don't have time. I don't have time." someone would say something to me and I'd argue back with them. Like I was in that story. And I realized one day I was a prisoner by that statement, and I realized that I had a choice. I could keep telling myself that and living in that place. And I realized I don't want to.

It doesn't feel good. It's not helping me or my family. And so little by little, I started shifting that thought and realizing that I could choose how I was reacting to my circumstances.

Obviously, life didn't feel fair and there was a lot to process, but at the same time it was glorious, miracle that she survived in hindsight.

She was in the PICU on life support for almost four weeks. And they told us, that shouldn't have happened. She shouldn't have made it. Like, they only told me that after the fact, obviously, when she was doing well again. So I just started to realize, like, there's a lot to be grateful for, even through our challenges.

And I think that the peak of all of that was my husband and I sitting in the hospital together and just wishing for the moments. That we could do the silly, stupid things with our family again. Like sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Like the things that I never realized I [00:06:00] could be grateful for, I craved all of those moments back again.

That was the best gift I could have gotten through it, because now, I really don't take much for granted, or if I am starting to, like, fall down that slippery slope, I can course correct a lot faster and just realize that, yes, life is going to be hard, and yes, we still have a lot to do to support our kids, but I get to react in a more intentional, positive way.

I'll just wrap up that part of the story by saying, like, it really hit home the day that my daughter, who was in liver failure, went to the bus stop and had forgotten something and came running back home to get it, knocked on the door. I hand her the, I think it was a mask. I think we were still in the middle of the pandemic.

Then she ran to the bus stop with a book bag and a violin in her hand. And I just started crying. Like, I could cry right now just thinking about it. Like, look at her! She's running to the bus stop like every other kid in the neighborhood would be. I just felt so blessed.

Managing Critical Versus Chronic Situations

Kate

I really feel that.

We have a lot of listeners who have younger kids with diagnoses that are not illnesses that will recover. And a lot of times when we get those diagnoses. When our kids get those diagnoses or ourselves, there's this feeling of, this is for life. What does this mean if my child is non speaking at three, you know?

How are they going to be able to get through life when I'm gone? If my kid is hitting and kicking me at two, is this a direct road to the criminal justice system for them? I had those thoughts when my son was younger. I'm just curious if there was any difference that you felt between those differences [00:08:00] in your kids' diagnoses?

Rebekah

Definitely, there is a difference. It's all very different. But like in the moment of my daughter's illness, like we didn't know how far she would recover or, what life was going to look like for her.

So I can definitely relate to those feelings. And then on top of it, we had two other children. One is autistic. The other has ADHD and a pretty Severe mood disorder. And so, I get it from that perspective, too, because, we were in a critical situation for a period of time, and before and after, we're in this, like, more chronic situation, if you want to put it that way.

Kate

Managing all the different needs.

Rebekah

Right, so I feel that and I have the same fears and questions, like will my daughter go to college or is she always going to live with us and what type of support will she need and all of those things.

I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound weird, but like, that was the blessing that came out of my daughter's critical illness.

I'm able to shine a different light on things and I know it's hard and I still have moments where, you know, things aren't running perfectly smooth all the time by any means. And I do lose my patience and, things are hard, but the difference now and what I hope to help other parents be able to do as well, is shorten that time that I'm stuck in frustration. I can recover faster and That has been a huge transformation because I don't feel like I have to live in a place that is so dark anymore.

Kate

Right. We actually have no idea what the future is going to hold and we can prepare our kids and ourselves as best we can in the moment, but really all we have is this moment.

When you say how important [00:10:00] it is to make time for ourselves, like, why is that so important and can you elaborate on that?

Prioritizing Yourself: The Key to Being a Resilient Parent

Rebekah

Yes, it is very important and I had to learn this lesson the hard way. As a mom and a medical caregiver, like I was giving so much, and obviously I wanted to. I love my children and would give them everything. But I realized when I literally give them everything, including all of my energy, there's nothing left.

So that was backfiring. I had less patience and less energy and less sleep and all of those things. And. I slowly learned, when I allocate time for myself, I show up with more energy, more compassionate, more giving, more patience, all of the things that I want to be.

And I was in conflict with that for a long time because it made me feel guilty. Like, how could I take time for myself when my daughter needs this or this daughter needs that? And they all need so much. And I also realized I wasn't setting a great example for them in the long run if I kept with that pace.

Like I have three girls and if they choose to be or are blessed enough to be parents someday, I want them to have an example of like how to still take care of themselves while they care for their family, no matter what the circumstances are. And so that allowed me to shift and then when it really clicked is when I was on a call with my coach and she shared a quote that just really stuck because up until that moment in time, I was latching on to, quotes like fill your cup first and put on your oxygen mask first before you help others. Cause I was in survival mode. Right? And I wanted to be thriving, like we all do, and the quote she had made me feel like I could do it in a more abundant way. I still think of this quote almost every day of my life. [00:12:00]

It's “tend to your own garden first so you have more harvest to share with others.”

And to me, that was permission, in a visual way, that I could tend to myself first. And from that, more abundance was available for my whole family.

That is my hope for everyone, that we can look at it from that light so that we know that taking good care of ourselves, allocating time for our hobbies, our interests, our business, whatever brings us joy really does benefit the whole family.

Kate

Say that I am a knitter. I really love knitting and my partner is asking something of me, my children are each asking something of me. I've allocated time for the knitting, but they have something that they feel they need. Maybe they don't need it immediately. It's not urgent, but to me, I don't know how to say no to what they're requesting in order to knit, like just using that as an example.

What do you say to that parent?

Prioritizing Self-Care Improved My Parenting

Rebekah

Great example. Teaching them that there are boundaries, and the difference between needing and wanting.

And I know this is a hard one in my family, but, you know, patience for them as well. I have a daughter who I've said this since she was like one, she has zero patience. That's a good skill for them to build. So it benefits both of us when I try to teach this. We're still practicing.

Um, but I'm a big fan of setting those boundaries and being very forthcoming with them. And teaching my child that, Hey, right now, mom needs a little bit of time where I'm not going [00:14:00] to do something for everyone else in the family. I think that is reasonable and if they're at an age where they can understand it, practicing that, even if it's just five minutes in the beginning.

And we really got to practice this because the three kids were home during the pandemic for a year plus, and I was running a business. There was no option. I had to teach them, I'm going to help you with your learning during this chunk of time. Then I'm going to have a break where I'm doing this. Then I'll come back and help you again. And in the beginning, we didn't expect the period of time to be 30 minutes or an hour that I was away from them. Away is not really a good word because they were like, Three feet away from me still. Just starting small with anything and just practicing it over time. Yeah.

And now, it's still not perfect. They still are impatient at times, but now I can just, have those reminders. Okay, right now I'm doing this and in a few minutes, we'll move on and help you with that thing that you want to do.

Patience

Kate

Thank you. Yeah. I've always had these little taglines, like, kindness counts, and patience pays. When Ocean was really little, I would just say that to him over and over. I learned patience from parenting him. I really had no patience before. I was a yoga teacher for many years. I still don't think I was the most patient person, but parenting him has helped me to develop patience.

He didn't have any patience, and I would say this to him when, it was a matter of waiting maybe 30 seconds to get his need met, or his desire met. But I just kept repeating it, and we would, like you said, start really small, and then extend that and expand that.

He was in his room with his friend the other day. And I walked past the hall, and his friend is younger than him, and was getting impatient about something. And he turned to his friend, he said, patience pays. [00:16:00] I can't tell you how overjoyed I was. Of course, I didn't say anything to him, because that would embarrass him.

But I was just doing backflips. Even though he's still not the most patient person, he could recognize a need for patience in that moment in someone else, and he could repeat what I had drummed into him from the time he was like a year old, even before he could speak, I was saying it.

So they are paying attention to what we're doing as well as what we're saying. I think that's a really important for me to remember. Like, all of this that we're doing, is having an impact.

Rebekah

For sure. And I think a lot of the times they learn by watching us, right? So that's another reason why, like people ask me if I have any mom guilt about working while being a parent.

And there was a time where I struggled with some of that, but now my view on that is, they get to see what's possible for them. Not that they have to own a business, but like they get to see that if they choose to have a family or children, they can also work if that's their choice.

Like I want them to see the possibilities and I think the best way for them to learn that is by watching.

It brings me hope, because I didn't have a great mother relationship. this is always in the back of my mind. Like, how can I show them what their choices are, and how can I be that role model for them.

Kate

I want the same thing for my son. I want him to see, women don't run after you doing everything for you. They're not waiting for your every snap of the fingers. I have a life and a career and, desires, longings, needs, and responsibilities of my own outside of him.

And that's okay for him to learn that. [00:18:00]

Rebekah

Definitely. I think it's really healthy for every relationship. Yeah.

Kate

Yeah.

Would you like to talk a little more about how we can prioritize our own goals, our hobbies, our interests, in addition to being a present parent?

Rebekah

Yes. I thought it was impossible at one point in my life. Like I said, I would argue with anyone who told me differently, and I thought I was right.

But what has helped me, has been being aware and intentional with what I'm doing. Because for a long time I was in reactive mode. Someone needs me, I do this. Someone gets sick, I do that. It was just react, react, react all day long. And sometimes we have to do that.

Right?

But if we live every day of our life that way, you blink and it's like, where did the time go? You have nothing for yourself, whether that be a hobby or a business or whatever. I remind myself, everything I say yes to means I'm saying no to something else.

So if I say yes to volunteering at the school, I'm saying no to exercising that day or no to time in my business or whatever it might be. And with that awareness, I'm able to make those choices more intentionally. Do I want to say yes to this? What am I putting aside or saying no to in the process?

Just practicing that has allowed me to create that space for what matters most. And the thing I also learned with my daughter's critical illness, we don't know what tomorrow brings. Literally, that happened with no warning. So I always try to remember, enjoy the present moment. Let's make the most of today.

What do I want to do with these hours I've been gifted? And I really do feel that they are a gift now. Not that every moment of my day is that mindful, but the more I can do that, the more intentional I can be. And that's how [00:20:00] I've created the time or allocated the time for what matters most is that I get to decide intentionally.

Embracing Community Support and Accepting Help

Kate

What would you say to that parent that, for example, has a 2 year old autistic kid at home, and is really struggling, and every time they try and do something for themselves, they get interrupted and their kid needs them?

Rebekah

Yeah, that's really hard. I remember feeling that way.

I would say, leaning into help where you can get it. And some of us don't have a lot of family members around to do that, but getting creative helped me. I was in that place where like my Husband and I, like for a long time, never got out, never did anything.

There are solutions like public respite care. Our church does buddy break it's called, and they host once a month, a break for parents of special needs children. We used to participate in that, our children would go, they welcome all siblings to come, whether you have a medical diagnosis or any diagnoses or not, the whole sibling group can go, each child is paired up with a buddy, a friend, and they go and do fun things while the parents get three hours to themselves once a month. And that was like gold to us for a long time. Yeah.

So can you find some of those opportunities for yourself? And I remember one day, we've gone on to volunteer as the buddies since then, which is a lovely gift. But that last one where my husband and I were dropping our kids off, we stopped at a park because we were a little early, right next to the church, and another dad and kids were there and everyone was playing and I tuned into the fact that they were probably going to buddy break too in 15 minutes.[00:22:00]

Their son was autistic and having some challenges even at the park. And we started talking to him and he had a newborn at home and he's like, this is literally the only three hours of my month that me and my wife get without full caregiving role. We don't sleep. His situation seemed very extreme. I was so thankful that he found that support. So all of that to say, lean into help. Like people are out there and they do want to help and you deserve some time to have quiet or to do whatever fills you up.

Kate

As far as help is concerned, I know there were times that the help I was getting wasn't perfect.

I remember someone coming and, feeding him ice cream and cake for lunch or something. The thing is, just because somebody does something in a way that's imperfect, doesn't mean that you can't just accept that help anyway every once in a while, you know? It doesn't have to be perfect all the time because kids do bounce back.

If it's like a life or death situation like you had, of course you need proper care.

If I hadn't walked away when my son didn't want me to walk away, he would have slept attached to me. You know, that was intense, and I guess, for me, the help wasn't always ideal, but it was what I needed.

So important. It totally makes sense. And the other piece too, is that sometimes, I had a hard time accepting the help, like, I should be able to do this, mentality for a long time.

Kate

Those shoulds, yeah.

Yep. One, my daughter being in the hospital, like we had no choice but to accept help for our other two kids. In the very first couple of weeks, we didn't leave the hospital because we didn't know if she was going to make it.

And so that was a quick crash course in accepting help and being grateful for it.

Then the other piece was, [00:24:00] realizing that people are offering help because they truly want to give you that gift. And when we say no, because we think we should be doing it ourselves, we're denying them that gift.

Most people are not going to offer unless they really really want to. Especially if they know your circumstances. And so letting people help was a gift for both of us, because they wanted to contribute.

Kate

Thank you for saying that. I don't think that parents could ever hear that enough.

So Rebekah, would you like to expand on this idea of having power in choosing how we respond to our circumstances?

That was the biggest transformation that I went through. Realizing that that was true. I thought these circumstances were happening to me, and I felt like I was always in this victim mentality of why me, why us, why her, and that created a prison for myself.

I couldn't enjoy anything, even like the supposed things that were supposed to be good in my life still felt like a prison because I was still not realizing that I could choose the way I was thinking about things.

One of my coaches gave an example of a car accident .If you, if you get in a car accident, there are some people who will come out of that thinking, Oh my gosh, this is horrible. Why me? Why me? Why me? And then there are other people who will come and walk away from that thinking how grateful they are. They're safe. They weren't seriously injured.

There's two ways you can look at that one situation, that one circumstance. And so I started applying that to everything in my life. And I realized it was so freeing. Not to say that we can't have negative feelings or feel sad. Obviously, we're going to process those feelings. But like I said earlier, it's like the recovery time, I think, is where your power is.

Like, yes, let's [00:26:00] process this new diagnosis and there's a grieving process, but then, how do you want to choose to move forward from that place?

I get full body chills thinking about this because we get to choose what we do with our lives and how we respond to them.

My life is so much fuller because of that. And I think it's hard in the beginning. Sometimes people probably like. Don't like me very much when I say that because it sounds easy to say aloud and I know it's much harder to live and practice and process. But the good news is we do get that choice and we each have control over what we're thinking about our situations.

I'm not downplaying the fact that things are hard because they are. Yeah. But who do you want to be? And how do you want to show up, despite that? Is where the power is.

And not feeling like we have to be perfect at everything too.

Someone who has a two year old, how do you get those three minutes to yourself that you deserve and you need in order to show up in a more present, calm, compassionate way for your child?

Screen time is there. There were times where I'm like, this might not be like the most healthy thing to put my child in front of a screen. But in this moment, it is the healthiest choice because I need my calm sanity to read or meditate or whatever. Yeah, it doesn't have to be perfect.

And just doing those little chunks of time, those little moments. Someone called them joy snacks, like thinking about feeding yourself. If you have to snack throughout the day, it's like, how can you fit in these little moments of joy or peace or calm or self care?

Kate

When Ocean was very little, I was eating the scraps off of his plate that he wouldn't eat, so I wasn't even doing that. The only time I would get to myself was when he was asleep, napping with me, and if I tried to sneak away, he would wake [00:28:00] up.

I could tell how much the sleep was helping his development, so I really wanted to prioritize his sleep. So, I would stay, and I would give myself that as self care, like how can I frame this as my self care moment. Maybe I do a meditation while I'm lying there, trying to relax rather than be rigid. Do some breathing, whatever it was, that was the time I had then.

Rebekah

Yeah, I love how you reframed that, because I've been in a sleeping situation like that, too, and part of the time I felt like I was tied, right? Like, this should be my time, and I was thinking those kinds of thoughts, and I can't even get away. Tethered to them, right? And I was creating this prison for myself, but it was in my mind, right? Like you were saying, how can we reframe it a bit so that we can still make the most of the moment and give ourselves that time?

Rebekah's Core Values and Legacy

Kate

Absolutely. So what do you most want to be remembered for, Rebekah?

Rebekah

Oh, that's a good question. I most want to be remembered for just helping moms know that they deserve time. They deserve to follow their dreams or their hobbies or their interests and also still be a present caring parent. I think both can be true for people.

Kate

Thanks. Yeah, that is aspirational for so many of us and I'm glad you're available to guide us along that path.

So Rebekah, what are your core values, especially related to parenting?

Rebekah

My core values as a parent have evolved over time because I didn't have the type of parenting that I wish I had for myself. So I value calm parenting that sends my child a message that even if they have challenges, [00:30:00] I know that they're good inside and that their challenges, their behaviors aren't them. So that's how I try now to approach our situations because we still do have a lot of challenging behaviors in our home.

I'm a former teacher too, so like I try to put on my teacher hat too, to know that There's a child in there who is good and kind and caring and all those wonderful things.

And if they're having challenging behaviors, it's because they need support and they need skills and teaching. And I want to be that parent who lets them know that they're not lazy or any of those words that sometimes get attached to the challenges they're having. That is how I'm trying to approach parenting.

Concluding Insights and Resources

Kate

Thank you. Yeah, that's beautiful. How would you like to wrap this up?

Rebekah

I would love to encourage parents to live from that place of, tending to their own garden so that they can be, you know, more abundant and share with others from a more abundant place. And my belief is that when we take good care of ourselves.

Or at least start practicing that it benefits everyone. Take those few moments. There are times where I am just taking a few deep breaths in a challenging moment, and from that place, I'm able to make more intentional choices about how I show up as a parent and as a human.

That is my hope for all of us.

Kate

A parent in one of my courses, one day she dropped her child off at school and sat in the car and she took one deep breath, and she shared this with me afterwards. She said “That was worth the 15 seconds it took.”

Even if you've got 15 seconds, while you're listening to this, maybe take a [00:32:00] deep breath together. Let's inhale, pause at the top of the inhale, let it out with a sigh, and then decide for yourself, was that worth the few seconds that it took?

Rebekah, I am so grateful that you came to talk with me, and with listeners, about this really important topic.

Time management has been a big hurdle for me and you've really helped me with your coaching and I'd love for other parents to have access to that. So how can parents find you?

Rebekah

I would love to invite you into my Facebook group! Thriving Mamas: Calm the Chaos & Simplify Your Life & Business Facebook group. That is my mission, simplify so that we can enjoy our lives to the fullest potential.

I'm also on Instagram at The Rebekah Lara.

Kate

Thank you so much.

Parents, we are here with you. We are walking alongside you. You're not alone. You belong to this community simply by being here, and we're grateful that you're here. So thank you so much for listening.

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Please remember to leave an honest review on Apple Podcasts.
It really helps other parents find this resource, so, if it has helped you at all, please share the love, help our little podcast grow. Thank you for joining Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. I really appreciate you walking alongside me.