Polyvagal-Informed Strategies For a Calmer Family, Part 3
6 simple ways to change your brain’s habit patterns, and promote more contentment, confidence, and connection in your family.
How are you feeling about this series so far?
In Part 1, we began with validation, then you learned why self-regulation is the key to family harmony. In Part 2, I shared a map to help you understand your nervous system and your child’s nervous system. Please read them before continuing…
Reminders from Part 2 before getting into the practices:
The best way to teach these tools is to model them.
It’s not ideal to be calm all the time.
Meet yourself where you’re at. No nervous system state is bad.
Remember the gifts of each state (gratitude, energy, protection).
When we self-regulate, we can help our kids to regulate.
Now I want to teach you some of the novel ways that I've learned to deepen neural pathways (grooves in our brain) which will help you promote contentment, confidence, and connection in your family.
But first…
Have you signed up for the Anxiety SOS Summit yet? It’s October 3-6.
REGISTER NOW, BEFORE YOUR KID DISTRACTS YOU
You’ll get a special bonus from me when you join through this link:
In my workshop, you'll discover the transformative power of somatic exercises tailored to help you and your child navigate anxiety as it emerges. I’ll teach you fast and straightforward exercises that you can easily integrate into the busiest of days to release accumulated anxious energy.
With a trauma-informed, neurodiversity-affirming approach, I’ll guide you through gentle yet effective body-based practices designed to ground your nervous system and cultivate a sense of peace within your family.
I invite you to pause and check in.
How are your eyes, your breath, your body?
Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”
All feelings are welcome. There are no good or bad feelings.
It takes time to develop somatic (body-focused) awareness. If you’re not sure where along the ladder your nervous system currently resides, that’s understandable. It's not always cut and dry, either. There are mixed states that span two rungs of the polyvagal ladder, like fawning, playing, or meditating. (We can address those in another post.)
For now, just try all of these practices for a few moments and see which ones resonate with you the most. Then, choose one and stick with it for a while.
We'll Practice 2 Mindfulness Tools for Each of the 3 Main Rungs on the Polyvagal Ladder
Start With the Collapsed State
The affirmation that I use when I’m in shutdown is:
“I am worthy.”
I'm worthy of rest. I'm worthy of whatever it is that I need right now. It might be a nap.
Do something that feels authentic to the collapsed state you're in, while bringing you closer to body awareness. The trick is to not judge yourself for it. When movement feels like too big of an effort, but you know it would help you, try wiggling your fingers, toes, or tongue.
Yawn: I consider this my signature move. In this context, yawning is not rude. Reach and yawn like a cat. Reach up one side, and then the other. If yawning doesn't come naturally, it can be helpful to see and hear other people yawn.
Hug: A lot of people call Oxytocin the love hormone, and it can contribute to a feeling of worthiness. One of the ways we can generate oxytocin is by hugging. If you have someone else to hug, do it. But you can also hug yourself! A 30 second hug is ideal.
Next, Flight & Fight State: Chihuahua Time
Eep! If you're an anxious chihuahua like me, there are things we can do to feel more grounded. The good news is, we have energy to take action!
Move: Swing your arms as if you're running or walking in place. Shake your body. If you're able to, jump up and down. You might notice that your breath changes from the action. When our bodies get shaken up, it can discharge pent-up tension.
Roar: Make claws with your hands and reach up. You can come up on your toes and make yourself really big. Breathe in, stick out your tongue, and ROARRR! 3-5 times. Why? Try it and then you tell me.
Now We Have Arrived… at the Safe and Social State
The affirmation for this state is, “I am grateful.”
Just looking at a Saint Bernard is enough to help me regulate my nervous system. If you're already in the safe safe and social state.Practices that might resonate with you in this state or help you tune in and savor the connection offered by this state are:
Smile with your eyes: Try it when you're relating to your child. If you're feeling cozy with them, you can use the warmth in your eyes to connect with them. They might not look into your eyeballs. That doesn’t matter. When you're smiling with your eyes, it affects your nervous system. I want to be clear about that - it's about your nervous system, not whether your kid is making eye contact with you.
Fall in love with the sound of your breath: Breathe in a way that feels good for you, and listen. Listen to the sound of your breath and actually start to fall in love with that sound. If you want to move, try rocking your pelvis back on your out breath and forward on your in breath.
If you’re in collapse or activation, these practices may feel sappy. Don’t gaslight yourself. We can’t fake a nervous system response. Accept where you’re at, attune to the moment, and be authentic with yourself.
The Polyvagal Theory was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, and has been popularized by Dr. Deb Dana, but nobody owns this wisdom. As mammals, we’ve been regulating our vagus nerves since we crawled out of the ocean and grew them. These practices belong to everyone. Embrace them so you can befriend your nervous system and reach your family’s goals for harmony and connection.
You can create a calmer, more harmonious home environment, but there will always be stress in life. That’s what keeps it meaningful! Make these mindfulness practices part of your toolbox so that you can discharge life’s stress and soak up its sweetness whenever you want.
Your kids will FEEL the difference.
Here are some questions to ask yourself at a time when you feel regulated and clear:
What's the best environment for your family members to feel safe?
What kind of schedules would be most helpful to promote calm?
How are you going to decide when you've done enough?
How can you be intentional in what you let slide?
When will you say, “I think you've done enough homework for one day!”
Want to learn more about releasing the grip of anxiety from 30 experts, psychologists, and educators who specialize in anxiety, including me? The insights and strategies offered during Anxiety SOS are compassionate and grounded in the latest brain science. October 3-6, learn how to help your child feel safe, secure, and emotionally stable.
Turn worry and self-doubt into confidence and resilience.
You’ll get a special bonus from me when you click this link to join.
Your Next Step is to Practice
If you want to deepen neural pathways of contentment, confidence, and connection within your family, I recommend you choose one of the practices above.
Pick one that resonates with you, and repeat it over and over and over again. It's NOT about doing something interesting. We want it to get really boring so that you're deepening that one neural groove, and it gets easier and easier to follow.
Why we stick to one practice until it is boring:
Imagine a field of tall grass that you walk through to get to work every day. You take the same path and it gets easier because you mash down the grass a little more every day. One morning, you decide that you want to go a different way. You might have really good reasons, but it will still be harder at first. The new way will be more work until you create a new groove. Then it will get easier.
We can change our brain’s habit patterns. It just takes repetition over a long enough time.
Our kids can change their neural pathways, too. The best way for them to learn is to have it modeled for them by their primary caregivers. So, this is your invitation to work with your OWN brain as the most efficient way to help your kids.
Keep tuning in to your nervous system throughout the day, noticing where you’re at energetically and how that matches up with your environment. Are you objectively safe? Do you feel safe in your body? If you recognize one of the states above, try out a practice aligned with that state. Then get curious about your nervous system’s response - without judgment or expectation.
Accountability and encouragement can help! If you’re willing to accept this mission, write what you’ll practice in the comments:
Do you want a Part 4? I’m thinking about sharing:
a list of resources to learn more,
nuances that often get glossed over in the discussion about Polyvagal Theory,
fun, kid-friendly polyvagal-informed practices, and
a Q & A.
So I’ll hold off on Part 4 until I get questions.
Meanwhile, sign up for the Anxiety SOS Summit!
(I’m sharing kid-friendly practices there.)
