Parenting Isn't Easy, and That Belief Sets Us Up for Resentment

I lost my temper a little bit, and then I gave myself grace and enjoyed the noodles.

The belief that parenting our neurodivergent kids should be easy is setting us up for disappointment, resentment, and guilt.

What if it isn't supposed to be easy?

What if it is supposed to be hard, and by learning the skills we need to parent our kids, we grow more than we could have grown otherwise? Every time my son has a meltdown, it challenges me.

Challenge is how we evolve.

It's how we become more loving, more accepting, and stronger. Every time my kid has a meltdown, I go through the whole gauntlet of emotion, disappointment, resentment, and guilt. That doesn't change, but what I do with those feelings, and my resistance, has changed. I am more present and available to him because my nervous system is not flooded. I bounce back more easily. I understand that it's supposed to be hard.

We live in NYC, but that fact barely registers as we pass days and weeks rarely leaving our leafy corner of South Brooklyn. I’m grateful for friends who draw us out of our comfort zone. They remind us that Manhattan is just a subway ride away. Sometimes I’m up to the challenge.

We went to Chinatown for the Firecracker Festival!

My son, his best friend, and us moms. We warned the kids that it would be noisy and crowded, and they said they were up for it. There was sooo much stimulation, and they dove into it with glee. They exploded confetti cannons, extruded silly string, and consumed colored cotton candy (the only food readily available). They even posed for photos, to my delight!

They had so much fun… until they didn't.

My kid got hangry. All of the restaurants had a long wait because it was Chinatown right before Chinese New Year! So he had a meltdown. Sure, I kind of knew it was gonna happen. During the meltdown, I felt discouraged. I felt resentful. I felt ineffectual. I felt my anxiety and my desire to make it stop shoot through the roof.

And I stayed aware. I stayed in the present moment, and even though there wasn't any right thing to say to make it better or to fix the situation, I stayed present with him. I stayed loving and respectful with him. Until I lost my temper, a little bit.

Nothing but real food was going to help his nervous system regulate. At one point, I thought we might get thrown out of the restaurant (that we had finally gotten a table at) because of his banging and screaming. I wanted to crawl under the table or find a way to make him see logic or “make him stop” or just shove a chicken wing in his mouth. Sometimes things are just hard and there isn't anything we can do except stay present. I was scared, and I was hungry too. I’m human, so I snapped a little. Even as it was happening, I felt regret. Then, I gave myself grace around that.

A meltdown is a moment of suffering.

It's one moment of suffering, and he was not alone in it. I was not alone. It wasn't comfortable for our friends, and it wasn't comfortable for the other restaurant patrons, but the moment passed and we had some amazing noodle soup.

Sure, I should have brought a snack. I didn't, because I had a fantasy that there would be dumplings dancing everywhere, like sugarplums! My kid is 12, so part of me has the irrational belief that he should have grown out of this. LOL. Believing that parenting neurodivergent kids is supposed to be easy creates an expectation as elusive as my dumpling fantasy. If you want it to be easy, your world will get smaller and smaller until you realize there is no place small enough to avoid discomfort.

What he will remember is, we had a blast!

I took my sensory sensitive autistic kid to a chaotic, noisy, unpredictable public place. You can judge me if you want. I won’t be, and I won’t judge you or your kid when we happen to meet in a crowded noodle shop in the epicenter of the Firecracker Festival, on a Sunday before Chinese New Year.

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If you want some non-judgmental parenting support, join me and Amy Weber for a free masterclass:

Unstuck & Understood

How to use connection to motivate your neurodivergent kid.

Friday, March 3, at 12 noon EST on Zoom.
Join live to connect and get your questions answered!
The replay will be sent to everyone who signs up.

Here's what you'll learn:

• 1:  A mindfulness practice to ground you before connecting with your kid.

• 2: A script to learn more about your kid's challenges with motivation.

• 3: How stay on the same team while you talk through the struggles together. 

We will be announcing our 3-month group coaching program for parents:

From Conflict to Cooperation

Less yelling and more connection with your neurodivergent kid!

You can be the first to join, you'll get the early bird rate, and those who come live will get a special bonus!