Parenting on Adrenaline: Nervous System Support for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids
That time I heard my son say, “Mama, it’s not an emergency.”
Many parents of neurodivergent kids live with chronic stress.
We’re advocating, solving problems, worrying, and holding everything together for years at a time. Our nervous systems get stuck in survival mode.
Below are some of the questions parents have asked me about burnout, self-compassion, and small ways we can begin reconnecting with our bodies again.
How Can Self-Compassion Bring Relief To Struggling Parents?
Q: You’ve talked about “somatic self-compassion” for parents. What is that?
A: It’s really just fancy words for knowing yourself and being kind to yourself.
Somatic means of the body. What sort of relationship do you have with your body? Do you recognize your physical sensations? Are you attuned to them?
Compassion is the desire to relieve suffering. Self-compassion simply brings awareness to our own discomfort, validates it, and cares for that part of us.
Our feelings live in our bodies. Somatic self-compassion focuses our attention there. We can move emotions and sensations through our bodies, rather than stuffing them down. This can often bring relief.
What Does This Look Like During a Meltdown or School Meeting?
Q: Can you explain what somatic self-compassion looks like in practice when a parent is deep in overwhelm — during a meltdown or school meeting?
A: Simply notice what’s happening in your body:
Are your shoulders tight?
Is your breath shallow?
Is your jaw clenched?
Instead of judging those reactions, acknowledge them and offer yourself some care. Sometimes that’s a breath, a stretch, or simply the reminder:
“This is hard.”
That small moment of awareness can interrupt the stress cycle.
Signs Your Nervous System Is Overloaded
Q: Many parents describe chronic dysregulation: jumpy nerves, exhaustion, or shutting down. What signals do parents overlook until burnout?
A: Look for physical stress responses like tight muscles, jumpy nerves, elevated heart rate, difficulty taking a full breath, exhaustion, tension headaches…
First, make sure you’re getting regular medical checkups, because sometimes there’s a straightforward medical solution.
Stress also shows up in our behavior:
When you can’t slow down or fall asleep, even at the end of an exhausting day. Anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and escaping through substances are flight responses.
Dissociation can look like driving somewhere and realizing you don’t remember the trip.
It’s easy to recognize rigid thinking in our kids, but what about ourselves? Yelling a lot or digging your heels in? Those are fight responses.
Walking on eggshells around family members? Fawning is when we’ll do anything to avoid conflict.
Lost all enthusiasm for playing with your kids? Sleeping all day? Collapse can look like that.
None of this is your fault. The systems around us make it incredibly hard to parent atypical kids without carrying chronic stress.
Stepping Out of Survival Mode
Q: One parent said she felt like she was “parenting on adrenaline” for years. How do people step out of survival mode?
A: Sigh. That description is so relatable.
The HPA axis is an endocrine loop between the brain and body that can get stuck “on.” It’s like a light switch for fear/danger that won’t turn off.
To shift that pattern, we need to interrupt the cycle intentionally.
First, we have to assess our present reality.
If your environment is genuinely unsafe, deep breathing alone won’t solve it. Neurodiverse families live within systems that aren’t supportive.
Some important questions to ask:
Am I objectively safe?
Do I need to change my environment?
Is this more of an inner safety issue?
If inner safety is what you’re missing, even super-stressed parents can start with a micro-habit that will help you regulate your nervous system. Slip a new, helpful habit into the daily routine you already have.
Here are a few habits you can stack:
Slow exhales while waiting for your kid to put on their shoes.
Squats while brushing your teeth?
Birthday candle breathing when you pick your kid up from school/daycare (slowly blow on the tip of your finger through pursed lips).
Appreciation of anything: silently repeat “thank you” while chopping veggies; feel gratitude for your dog, a kind word, or your kid falling asleep before midnight.
The mindfulness practices below don’t take much time either.Q
If small changes aren’t helping, try something bigger for a short time:
finish your shower with cold water
go to bed much earlier
exercise differently: sign up for a new class or with a friend
Mindfulness That Works in Real Life
Q: You often say mindfulness doesn’t have to be still or quiet. What practices work in chaotic households?
A: Mindfulness isn’t just for monks on mountaintops. It’s valuable when we can stay grounded in the middle of chaos. But (as we well know) that’s not easy, so practicing in advance is key.
A few simple practices you can try out:
Shake, wiggle, jump, or dance.
Squeeze and release your muscles.
Focus on your senses: sight, sound, tactile sensation, smell, taste.
Affirmation… which can be far from woo-woo.
At one point I put post-its around our apartment that said:
“It’s NOT an emergency.”
Ocean (at 5) noticed and started reminding me when I got worked up:
“Mama, it’s not an emergency.”
Setting Boundaries Without Feeling Selfish
Q: We’ve heard from parents who say they feel guilty setting boundaries, even when they’re running on empty. How do you help parents in your community practice boundary-setting in a way that feels compassionate, not selfish?
A: It isn’t compassionate to anyone if you burn out. In our culture we’re indoctrinated into this idea that being selfish is the worst possible thing, especially for moms. Meanwhile, others are flaunting their selfishness. There’s an imbalance, and it won’t change until we do something.
I learned a reframe about guilt from Dr. Becky Kennedy that I find really helpful:
True guilt is when we’ve behaved in a way that goes against our values.
Often what we’re feeling isn’t guilt. It’s discomfort about someone else’s reaction to our boundary.
If someone is inconvenienced because you need rest or support, that’s okay.
We can practice differentiating between the two. Next time you set a boundary and feel uncomfortable, ask yourself:
Is this boundary aligned with my values?
Is the discomfort I’m feeling mine or am I absorbing someone else’s?
Our kids learn about boundaries by watching us. Running on empty isn’t sustainable, and we don’t want to pass that pattern on to the next generation. Do we?
Why Community Matters
Q: Your work centers a lot on community — not trying to do this alone. What’s the role of being witnessed and validated by other parents in healing burnout or resentment?
A: Isolation plays directly into systems that keep families confused and ashamed. There’s safety and power in numbers. Belonging is protective.
In this community, we won’t bat an eyelash at your worst supermarket meltdown story. We’ll laugh and cry and nod along with you when nobody else believes your stories could be true. And we’ll celebrate the wins that others might not understand.
Reaching out to connect isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Hearing other parents’ stories normalizes the chaos and reminds us that survival—and even joy—is possible.
Having real conversations with other parents going through similar struggles is nourishing, not draining.
So tell us in the comments:
How will you break free of the chronic stress cycle?
What’s one thing you’ll do this week to be kinder to YOU?
One Tiny Practice You Can Try Right Now
Q: What’s one tiny, body-based practice you’d recommend to a parent right now—something they could do in under 30 seconds to reconnect with themselves?
A: Yawn, then give yourself a big hug!
If you’re trying to build a life that actually works for your neurodiverse family, you’re in the right place. Subscribe for conversations, tools, and honest reflections about raising atypical kids with compassion for them—and for ourselves.
A kinder future for our kids begins with kindness toward ourselves.
Thanks for reading to the end!
If you’ve got a child on the brink of adulthood, or you’re curious how to get a head start on transitioning to independence, join our no cost 30 minute talk on June 18 at 7 PM Eastern via Extreme Kids & Crew.
(I’m the host of the parent support group and work part time for EKC).
Special guest Gary Shulman will present his wealth of experience and resources:
Transition to the World of Adult Services
With the understanding that each child has unique skills and abilities as well as areas that need support, we can prepare them to be as independent as possible on their own unique timeline.
“The most successful parent is the one who fosters as much independence as is possible for their child regardless of the child’s disability. Tap into their skills, abilities and passions and support them as best you can.”
-Gary Shulman
This is a great article. If I had had this practical advice twenty years ago maybe I wouldn't have burned out caring for my neurodivergent daughter.