Can We Talk About Bullying?

We're parents of neurodivergent kids. Of course we worry about bullying.

A few years ago, my son Ocean and I were swapping YouTube videos about bullying, and we decided to record a conversation on our Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids Podcast. I was a bit anxious about him starting middle school. ‘Bullies’ are everywhere throughout life, so it is important to me that we keep an open dialogue.

Please note that we are NOT talking about any sort of physical abuse.

“If someone punches you, is that bullying?” -Mom

“No, that’s abuse.” -Ocean

“What about if someone is just teasing you?” -Mom

“Then I would be in on the joke.” -Ocean

Ocean and I laughed a lot in this podcast, but bullying is no laughing matter.

Brooks Gibbs has been on my radar for a while. Gibbs categorizes bullies as falling into one of 3 categories:

1. They feel that they have been wronged,

2. they are power hungry, or

3. they think they are being funny.

Gibbs shares ways to defuse each of the three. He role plays his strategy with kids, and you can hear the laughter in the audience. Laughter is therapeutic, and I don’t sense that anyone is taking the issue lightly.

In general, his approach makes a lot of sense to me; way more sense than some of the traditional vilifying/shaming/victimizing strategies imposed top-down by school systems.

The status quo response to bullying or teasing behavior:

• Tell the bully to stop.

• Walk away.

• Tell a teacher.

These are all fine, but do they really work to change the antagonist’s mind?

I want to teach Ocean practical skills to stop the oppressor/victim cycle. I know it is harder for him because he is neurodivergent. I know he may be more of a target. When he was 2, they said he would be more vulnerable to bullying. But I don’t know what the other kid has going on in their brain, and I have very little influence over other kids. Ocean is my responsibility, so I’d like him to learn a technique he can use to empower himself and send the bully looking for a new target (or possibly reconsidering their tactics), even if it goes against the grain.

As long as we live in a culture that is built on oppression, there’s going to be bullying.

If someone doesn’t feel very powerful, they’ll go make someone else feel less powerful. They will feel better for a bit. If we want to create a more inclusive world, we need to interrupt that whole cycle.

“Why would a person want to bully? They want to have fun with people’s reactions, but at what cost? They just want revenge?”

“If you can’t walk away, deal with it in a positive way. ”

-Ocean

I agree with Gibbs about not reacting, and being friendly and kind… but isn’t easy!

If at all possible, we can learn to empathize and treat the person as we wish to be treated. This can defuse their attack, as you can see in the videos.

However, I don’t agree when Gibbs says “Don’t get upset.” It is natural to be hurt and angry when we feel attacked. Mindfulness helps us stay calm in the moment, even though we feel hurt. I encourage Ocean to allow the whole spectrum of his feelings, but not with someone who is trying to upset him.

We need to be aware of who it is safe to SHOW our upset with.

If you are being teased, don’t show that you are upset in the moment, if you can help it. Do tell someone you trust, as soon as you feel safe. You might want to laugh or cry about it with your safe person. Both can help!

Ocean and I role played on the podcast about a potential scenario. After watching the video, his strategy changed. He told me to pretend to be the bully. I asked if he would get upset, and he said he would try not to.

“I would just be in on the joke.”

We are both short, and I know he has been teased about his height a few times at school. He asked me to pretend to be the bully, and I called him “Shorty.” He instructed me to be mean to him. I mocked his words, and he adopted a friendly tone and nicknamed me “Tall-y,” asking if we could be best friends.

Role playing together helps in a few ways:

• It normalized the situation. He knows that he isn’t the only kid who has been teased by another kid.

• He gets to practice and come up with a menu of potential responses.

• He builds resilience to teasing and takes it less personally.

• He may even start to build empathy for the other kid who is so desperate for attention, revenge, or power that they would try something so low.

• He will learn that it is inappropriate to treat others unkindly.

Ocean’s sense of humor cannot be translated onto the page. This is a summary, and I hope you will listen to the full conversation on the podcast.

“I would just be in on the joke… I think the bully would just be like, okay bye!”

-Ocean

You can proactively role play with your kid, like we did.

Then, you can remind your child that we all have hurt feelings. You can model naming your own hurt feelings, and describe how they feel in your body.

Mindfulness can help us defer our reactions. We can postpone them, but eventually our feelings need somewhere to go. I hope everyone, child and adult, has someone safe to talk with about any challenging feelings. Being tough isn’t the special sauce here, it is staying calm even though you feel hurt. When you know who is safe to share your feelings with, it is easier to not react to teasing in the moment.

Here’s a Mindfulness Script for When Your Child Feels Triggered:

• Your child can ask themself, “What is happening now?” They might briefly pause to notice what’s happening in their environment.

• Then, they can ask “Can I be with it, or is it too much?” If staying and talking to the bullying kid feels too painful, your child has to feel empowered to walk away.

When someone says hurtful words, it does hurt.

Pretending, masking, or suppressing feelings takes a lot of energy. At some point those hurt feelings need a safe place to go. I hope everyone has someone safe to talk to about any challenging feelings. Being tough isn’t the special sauce here, it’s staying calm even though you feel hurt.

It’s important to know who is safe to share your feelings with.

Mindfulness teaches us to tolerate discomfort in the moment. We can say, “This is a moment of suffering.” It is temporary. It doesn’t mean that we stop feeling.

These are complex skills for anyone. I was nudging Ocean towards his own conclusions.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

“A person with a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jostled by every pebble in the road.”

-Henry Ward Beecher

Laughter is a coping mechanism, and humor has always been one of Ocean’s superpowers. I was intentionally being silly about it, not to belittle the topic, but to discharge any residual stress from his suppressed memories.

If you are the trusted person for your child, and they come to you after a bullying incident, ask them to tell their story. Don’t interrupt or question the facts. You can ask some leading questions, but the intent is not to get the facts. Let your kid tell their subjective story and take ownership of it.

Here are some potential follow up questions to ask:

• “What do you think about the situation?”

• “How do you feel about it?”

• “Where are you feeling that in your body?”

Even if your child can’t answer these questions, you are planting seeds of self-inquiry and awareness by asking them. You can make an empathetic guess at what they might be feeling, and ask if you’ve got it right. They can start to make the connection between physical sensations and their emotions. Try it yourself the next time someone hurts your feelings.

I recommend doing a grounding or mindfulness practice before role playing with your child. Remember the power of laughter to discharge tension. Sock puppets can be great tools for role playing too. Next time, I’m going to let Ocean be the bully.

Just like any tough parenting conversation, this isn’t one and done. I feel that he is a bit more prepared. I look forward to processing more complicated scenarios with him as they arise.

Please remember, physical abuse is a crime. If the teasing is overwhelming and relentless and cannot be defused, no one should suffer in isolation. There’s nothing shameful about being targeted, and it’s important to get the community involved.

I am not advocating stuffing feelings down. Building resilience is different than numbing out. Everyone needs someone safe to communicate with when they feel hurt. Please make sure you feel grounded yourself before listening to your child’s painful stories.

Help our little podcast grow!
Please remember to leave an honest ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review on Apple Podcasts.
It really helps other parents find this resource.

Resources:

• Peter Levine’s Physical Signs of Trauma in Kids video.

• Brooks Gibbs video.

• Stomp Out Bullying: You’re NOT alone. It’s NOT your fault.

• Mindful Meltdown Cheat Sheet: Short mindfulness practices for parents.

Other Ways I Can Support You:

My presentation for the Next Level Life Summit March 18-21 is going to ground and empower your nervous system. 3 Keys to Thriving as an Empath will help you: 

• escape burnout,

• embrace sensitivity, and

• empower your intuition.

You'll do that through specific mindfulness, somatic awareness, and journaling practices curated especially for empaths.

By the end of my presentation, you will know:

• The 1 thing you need to remember about YOURSELF as an empath.

• 2 questions to ask to develop SELF-EMPATHY and avoid self-neglect. 

• 3 mindfulness tools to shift from people-pleasing toward BALANCE.

March 18-21. My talk is on Wednesday.
Join as my guest now by clicking the link below:

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