Ground Yourself During a Tense Parenting Moment

How do I extract myself from my kids long enough to collect myself?

Photo by David Valentine on Unsplash

This is the most popular Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids Podcast - re-released and transcribed for your reading pleasure.
Please go give it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review if it’s helpful!

How do you collect and ground yourself during a tense parenting moment? How will you survive the storm of your child's big emotions? Try a visualization, meditation or breath pattern and practice until it becomes part of you.

Nichi's pug Millie sat in on our chat. She gives her comfort when life is a challenge. During our conversation, Nichi asked me something that so many parents ask:

"How do I extract myself from my kids so I can ground myself?
I need something quick that helps in the moment." 

-Nichi

My answer isn't earth shattering... 

Repeat a simple practice that anchors you.

Your anchor can be any visualization, meditation, or breath pattern that you practice a lot until it becomes part of you. Then, you can reach for it to ground you when the seas get stormy, even if you can't leave your kid in the moment.

• First practice when you're alone,

• then during a calmer time with your kids,

• then during the aftermath of a tough moment, and

• finally, during a meltdown.

It’s not instantaneous. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. This isn’t about manipulating your kids to behave differently. You’re the one you can most readily affect, so keep the focus on yourself.

Nichi and I discussed some of the systemic issues parents are often made to believe we are responsible for. It can make parents feel really lonely, but you are not alone in these struggles.

I’m so happy Nichi agreed to share our chat with you.

Her four-year-old made an adorable appearance at the end.

Would you like to be on the Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids Podcast? I know, it takes courage to share your message with the world. Hearing from parents like us is a way the most isolated parents of atypical kids can start to feel seen and supported. You don’t have to be an expert. I’m certainly not. But I’m willing to be messy and screw up and keep trying if it helps tear down the stigma and ableism that have been used to divide and conquer us. I will never share anything you’re uncomfortable with. I’ll be present and respectful. Comment below that you’re in and I’ll reach out.

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Cherished Memory Meditation: 

Recall a time you felt held and seen by someone you trust. A time you felt supported, beloved and cherished in your wholeness for exactly who you are. Reach back as far into your past as you need to. Settle your body back into this memory. Recall the sensory impressions associated with that memory. Plant yourself or bathe yourself in the memory. Drink it in. Imagine filling up with the memory. Keep the same memory and practice it often to activate neural pathways. 

During these anxious times, we need a practice to help us remember that we have the capacity to feel happy, safe, and grateful. To learn more about this meditation, and the science behind it, read:

Soak Up Your Connection to Happiness: Focus on a cherished memory regularly to saturate your brain with connections that spark joy.

Remember, you are not alone. 

I’m not trying to fix anyone’s parenting challenges, I have enough of my own. But it can really help to know we’re not alone. Others are dealing with the same issues and trying to be better parents any way they can. Find a way to connect with other parents. 

I would LOVE to hear from you. Leave a voice message to inspire a future episode. 

Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids podcast is a baby, and it needs your love to grow!

If you appreciate the strategies, connection, and support here, help it reach other parents! Please go to Apple Podcasts and give it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review. 

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“We’re all sitting in our own houses feeling like, ‘god, I just yelled at my kid. I'm a terrible parent. This is not how I wanna raise them.’ It can feel really lonely.”
-Nichi

Transcript:

Kate

Do you long to embody mindfulness and compassion in your parenting life? Yeah. Me too. Welcome to Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. Let's go on this journey together.

Hi, parents. So before you meet Nikki, I wanted to let you know that this is the last Podcast I'm going to put out until September because I'm gonna focus more on writing my book. I will see you in September or You can hear me in September, and enjoy the connection with Nikki where we practice the Cherished Memory Meditation, which is a wonderful practice to use as a constant in your life as a resource anchor that you can Turn to over and over again to to down regulate your nervous system and to create new neural pathways Of happiness and joy, no matter what circumstances are going on in your life.

I just wanna remind you that this podcast is very young, and, just like young people, it needs your love to grow up strong and to and to get out in the world. So if you benefit from the connection, the feeling of not being alone in your struggles, the strategies I'm offering, and the support, I would love your help in letting other parents know that this podcast is available by just going on and giving it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review on Apple Podcasts. And make sure you're subscribed. That's how more people find out about it. That's how more parents will receive the support.

Enjoy this conversation with Nikki, and I will see you again in September!

Nichi Hello there. Thanks for having me.

Kate Thanks so much for joining us. Of course. How are you doing today?

Nichi Hanging in there. Doing work plus distance learning.

Kate Right. It's a great combination. Mhmm.

Nichi

My name is Nikki, and I am a mom to, 2 little guys. 1 is 6, and another is, gonna be 4 next month. So they're busy. Additionally, I work as an director doing women's, economic justice, work in Oregon and, Actually, economic justice, specifically for mothers and caregivers. I really struggle sometimes, with my littles, Particularly my eldest who has ADHD, and he was just diagnosed in this, last year. And I think, It's just COVID really created a kind of a breaking point For us, that we needed to address, some behavioral issues. And so that has been quite a journey.

Kate And so now he's getting some support?

Nichi He is. Yes. So he's been, going to occupational therapy, which is, also support for us That's me.

Kate

Thank you. And for a lot of people, for me, for a lot of people I've talked to, it just helps to know we're not alone when like, I am not trying to fix anyone's parenting challenges, because I have enough of my own, and those are big, and they probably won't stop overnight. You know? Anyone who promises something, it's unlikely. Right? Yes. I mean, we can hope, but, you know, it's to get, Like, the introspection happening.

Nichi

I love that. Because I I do really feel like so often, we're kind of sitting in our own, and this has actually been really common in my own work. When we were working to pass paid family medical leave here in Oregon.

Kate Mhmm.

Nichi And, looking at, like, things like universal childcare, it people think it's a personal problem. That they just need to kinda figure out.

Kate But it's systemic. Right?

Nichi

It's systemic. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, particularly in those situations, but I think you can kinda, like, draw that out or extrapolate it to this situation and that, like, we're not alone. We are all of sitting in our own houses feeling like, god, I just yelled at my kid. I'm a terrible parent. This is not how I wanna raise them. It can feel really lonely.

Kate Yeah.

Nichi

But knowing that other folks are out there who are dealing with the same issues and having the same kinds of human responses and trying to be a better parent in any way they can is really helpful.

Kate

And they, I mean, the odds are pretty, you know, it's the system is kind of stacked against us because, Yeah. While many of us do have privilege in this country, There are countries with a lot more social support for parents than this one. And, the economic Inequity is so great here. I wasn't raised with a lot of A lot of stability, but I was raised with privilege and, and with, Really with ableism. Right? Everyone in my family, as far as I knew, was typically abled. And, it really it wasn't until I had Ocean that I delved into the broad, vast disability community and started to Learn about ableism. Yep. So it's a journey, and it's nice to know that other people are also on this journey. There we are.

Nichi It helps.

Kate I know. Yeah. So, do you have Any questions for me before we go into the practice for today?

Nichi

I mean, the practice may address this. But I think one of the things that, like, I really need is some way for me to, take extract myself from a tense interaction with my kiddo so I can collect and ground myself, and maybe that's just it. Maybe I just need to walk away.

Kate That is the one great strategy that I think, like, minimum. Do that.

Nichi But, You know, I can't, like, go block myself in my room and do a full practice. So Yeah. Something kinda Quick. That helps. Yeah. In the meantime.

Kate

Yeah. And that's what, yeah, that's what I'm hoping to offer. The idea of, like, what do you do in the moment when your kid's freaking out or I find myself yelling or what do we do in that moment? And I would say by that moment, it's just keep everyone safe, I think, and, and ride it out, And then start to practice in the moments that are not like that. Start to practice little things little things like a breath, Something that's your, we call it, like, a resource anchor or an emotional balance anchor. Yeah. It's something that you just practice practice and have it. You know? And then start to break it into maybe right after your kid is freaking out or you're responding in a way that you're that was unexpected. From? So maybe right after is a good time to start practicing that, you know, first just on your own and then in a time that is Pretty easy if there are times that are easy with your kid or that are easy going, and then times, like, when you're kind of in that repair or regret.

Yeah. And by the way, like, apologizing is something that happens both ways all the time around here. Not that I force my son to, but I do force myself to to be accountable and to, and to repair. So, then finally, starting to notice, like, right after and then maybe during. It's not instantaneous at all. So giving yourself permission to take time with it. Yeah. I find this practice something that, that that I've used as a resource anchor when I feel myself spinning out, and I practice it a lot because I wanna have it available to me.

10:07: Cherished Memory Meditation

It's a visualization. Okay. Which might mean that you might feel comfortable closing your eyes, and you might not feel comfortable closing your eyes. And that's fine too. Either one is fine. And if you want to, you could you could start by looking around your room and kind of orienting and grounding in your environment. Okay. And having a a pet on your lap is a great way to ground, honestly. Seriously, it is.

Yeah. Petting, you know, petting a pet is one of the best resource anchors, and I've had a lot of students who've used that as a resource anchor. The only thing is they're not there All the time. Right? But you can even just imagine that moment of petting them. Recall a time when When you felt held, when you felt seen by someone who you trust, And they don't have to be human, someone. And you can reach back into your memory as Tar as long as you want it. It doesn't have to be something fancy. It's a time when you felt supported and really beloved, really cherished in your wholeness for exactly who you are.

And remember that moment in as much detail as Possible. And imagine almost like you're sinking back into it. Maybe your body sinks back a little bit and settles down a little bit, and, like, you're resting back into this memory. Do you have 1? Mhmm. Okay. Sometimes it takes a while. So that's the only thing about not having much Time is that it can take a little while to recall a moment, and don't give up. And if it's challenging to find a moment Where you really felt seen and held in your wholeness? Keep trying.

One example I use is is holding my son's hand. So then we'll take in a sense memory. So you can imagine what it looked like At that moment, in that snapshot, and what it sounded like. Any sense on your skin, maybe of the clothes you were wearing or if if you were actually in physical contact with someone. You could feel that Warmth. Whatever sensation on your skin. And then any taste or smell associated with that memory. This can be bringing in taste and smell can be very visceral for our senses and to plant us in that moment.

And just imagine that you're bathing in this memory and the feeling that this memory gives you. And imagine as you breathe in that you're drinking it in. And as you breathe out, that you're settling back into that feeling of being held. And with every cell, Imagine you're being saturated. You're filling With this cherished memory. And what I'd recommend is that you keep the same memory and practice it just like whenever you think of it Over the next couple days. Maybe you don't even have to close your eyes, like, say you're community, Or it's going about your daily tasks. Maybe you have a moment.

Just recall that Cherished memory and imagine that you're that you're drinking it in.

Nichi That's really lovely.

Kate So this is one example of a resource anchor or a emotional balance tool that I use. You know, just keeping the focus on ourselves because we're the ones we can most readily affect.

Nichi Like, we can't.

Kate There's only so much controlling of our kids we can do, so we can keep focusing on ourselves.

Nichi’s son Get the burritos.

Kate This is a perfect time to say thank you so much to Nikki, and I think we'll end here.

Nichi This is great.

Kate Thank you so much for being here together, Nikki. Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye. You're welcome. Thanks again for joining me.

Nichi Of course.

Kate Thank you for joining Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. I really appreciate you walking alongside me.

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Other ways I can support you:

1. This Brain Fog Busters challenge has been REALLY popular recently. 🤔
   

2. Need to feel calmer right now? Try this 5 min video: Meditation to Shift From Surviving to Feeling Safe.
   

3. Does your community need a nervous system reset? Invite me to speak at your school, parent association, club, summit, or organization. I'm honored to have presented the other night at a local school on "Helping Your Neurodivergent Child Feel Safe in an Uncertain World." Comment with your idea or schedule a 20 min chat here. I’d love to support your community.