Ocean and I were just swapping YouTube videos about bullying, and we decided to record a conversation. I'm a bit anxious about Ocean starting middle school next year. 'Bullies' are everywhere throughout life, so it is important to me that we keep an open dialogue.
Please note that we are NOT talking about any sort of physical abuse.
Brooks Gibbs has been on my radar for a while. In general his approach makes a lot of sense to me; way more sense than some of the traditional vilifying/shaming/victimizing strategies imposed top-down by school systems. Gibbs categorizes bullies as someone who either feels that they have been wronged, are power hungry, or they actually think they are being funny. He shares ways to defuse all three.
I agree with Gibbs about not reacting to the mean words, or being extra kind. However, I don't agree with "Don't get upset."
Be aware of who it is safe to SHOW you're upset with.
Mindfulness can help us defer our reactions. We can postpone them, but eventually our feelings need somewhere to go. I hope everyone, child and adult, has someone safe to talk with about any challenging feelings. Being tough isn't the special sauce here, it is staying calm even though you feel hurt. When you know who is safe to share your feelings with, it is easier to not react to teasing in the moment.
You can proactively role play with your kid, like we did. Then, you can remind your child that we all have hurt feelings. You can model naming your own hurt feelings, and describe how they feel in your body.
Your child can ask themselves, “What is happening now?” They might actually pause to notice what’s happening in their environment. Then, “Can I be with it, or is it too much?” If staying and talking to the bullying kid feels too painful, they need to be empowered to walk away.
These are complex skills for anyone. I was nudging Ocean towards his own conclusions.
Ocean and I laugh a lot in this podcast, but bullying is no laughing matter. Laughter is a coping mechanism, and humor has always been one of his superpowers. I was intentionally being silly about it, not to belittle the topic, but to discharge any residual stress from suppressed memories.
After the chat with Ocean, I share some simple mindfulness tips and scripts, and my guiding light: the serenity prayer.
Brooks Gibbs video: https://youtu.be/7oKjW1OIjuw
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Can We Talk About Bullying?