What Might Sustainable Self-Care Look Like for Neurodivergent Moms?
Some moms will say 5 minutes of self-care is unattainable, and others will say it’s not enough.
"...honoring, listening, and tending to ourselves as something that happens in many different sized moments through out the day."
-
It’s Mother’s Day, a complicated day for many of us.
Sticking to anything (especially self-care) is harder when we’re busy being neurodivergent parents, raising neurodivergent kids, or both.
So if you’re checked out, touched out, have decision fatigue, sleeplessness, and revenge bedtime procrastination, you’re not alone. If couch potato Netflix is the only pleasurable activity your brain can muster, we get it.
You are doing SO MUCH. We see you.
There have been books written on this feeling: Touched Out, Burnout, How to Keep House While Drowning, Screaming On The Inside, Mom Rage…*
Please, give yourself grace. It makes sense you’re having a hard time.
You can do SOME sustainable self-care. Micro-habits are meaningful and build on themselves. Don’t minimize any effort or gesture:
The walk around the block after the kids’ bedtime?
That deep sigh?
Listening to nature sounds or a body scan?
Drink your coffee while it’s hot?
Order takeout?
YES, IT COUNTS! Everything counts!
Maybe bingeing Netflix is the best you can do right now.
How can you be kinder to yourself about it? It’s meeting a primal need: mental rest.
Can you truly relish the numbness and escape you get from it? If you’re berating yourself while continuing to binge, it won’t feel like self-care. But if you dive in, relax, call it self-care, embrace it, and think of everything about it that you’re grateful for, you might feel better about it in the morning.
If not, is there a replacement activity that takes the same level of energy and gives you a similar benefit? Try adding that in. It’s easier to add a little something than to cut something out, especially if it’s meeting a primal need.
When My Kid Was Younger, I Felt Desperate
Even when he started school, and I thought I’d have more time, there was so much advocacy, IEPs, calls from the nurse, and post-school meltdowns… my anxiety was through the roof.
Those small windows of time I had to myself?
I truly didn’t know what to do with those. My pre-kid self-care routines didn’t fit the time I had - or they didn’t help. I hadn’t had a moment to breathe, much less discover new routines.
Self-care came back gradually and intentionally.
I kept running on empty for a while. I burnt myself out a few times, and it took forever to come back. I’m feeling that creep toward burnout again, and Netflix may be getting a piece of me this week. What won’t get a piece of me is guilt about it. I have good intentions, and with my life I sometimes need a plan B, plan C, or to scratch the plans altogether.
Our kids require flexibility, and so do we.
I have a student who gets unexpected windows of time to herself when her kid can tolerate school. She’s out of practice with listening to herself, so she doesn’t know what to do with that time that might bring her some pleasure. Getting back under the covers is one option, but it’s great to have a few alternatives. I asked her to think of anything that has brought her joy in the past. We made a list of activities, adding to it as she remembered. She keeps it on her phone so she can check it for inspiration when those moments pop up.
recently wrote:
“5 Minutes of Self-Care is Not Enough”
When I read this, I agreed, but saw the gap.
Some moms will say 5 minutes of self-care is unattainable, and others will say it’s not enough. I say, do whatever you can do. But the most vehement rage I've ever received online is from desperate parents of neurodivergent kids reacting to my suggestion that we CAN do SOME self-care, no matter what our circumstances in the moment. I’ve been that desperate parent. I understand the frustration.
These parents felt it was impossible, and I was trying to show them that it is, in fact, possible. The divide feels tremendous, so we need to make it smaller.
A conscious breath, savored and released slowly. That’s it. Check self-care off the list.
There's always something we can do. We can open the door a tiny crack.
When we repeat a small self-care practice, it creates a ritual. A ritual becomes a habit. A habit can have far-reaching effects. We can take one slow exhale, and call it self-care, self-honoring, self-tending, self-respect, survival, whatever.
During times of extreme parenting, our habits will shift, but we don't have to throw up our hands and say, "There's NO TIME!" There is. But it requires a shift in perspective.
“I was frustrated because ‘self-care’ sounds like another thing to do.
Something I needed to add to my list and check off because a mother needs to take care of her self."
-
Of course, if you CAN, you take the time you need to become whole again. But that requires a level of privilege we don't all have. Even if we're feeling totally broken and a hollow husk (like I did in that first few years), there are things to do that can patch us up.
It's not a matter of what we’re doing, but a gesture of self-respect:
"I am worthy."
Our worthiness is not because of something we've done, but because we are all inherently worthy of care and of love. That can’t be taken away.
YES, IT COUNTS! Everything counts!
I think the idea of 5 minutes of self-care is this: do SOMETHING. Micro-habits are meaningful and build on themselves. Don’t minimize any effort or gesture of self-care (or whatever you want to call it).
"the only reason I was trying to pour into myself was to take care of my son. If I hear put your own oxygen mask on first one more time, I will scream."
-
YES, and…
That's the only way in for so many mothers. It's a wedge.
Taking just a few minutes is the only way so many mothers (like me) who have been successfully socialized as helpers/people-pleasers will turn toward ourselves. It lets us off the hook for more, opens the door a crack, and then hopefully a new perspective on sustainable self-care floods in.
Today and every day, it can't be all or nothing, and it can't be postponed indefinitely.
Please give yourself grace.
Stay with us here, or get yourself in some sort of community that understands.
Acknowledge all that you’re holding.
Ask your partner for help if you have one - not just on Mother’s Day! If they don’t understand why you’re shut down, help them understand.
Ask for what you need.
If you don’t know what you need, that’s relatable. Practice asking yourself and it will get easier. Here’s a needs wheel to get you started:
What sustainable self-care ritual feels good enough? What can you stick with and savor?
Tell us in the comments. We need ideas!
*As an amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases. Hopefully one day my book will be added to the list.
There is part of me that feels a little called out, but also slightly honored you read what I wrote and felt called to write something around it. Ironically, or perfectly, before even reading this, I thought about writing a follow up to that post because I see the gaps. The more I work with my own neurodivergence, my own needs, the more I see tiny little pauses (literally started a doc called this writing about my experiences) as what I need, and sometimes all I can get. It truly is about what is sustainable.
Oh, this resonates. I find when my son is at home and with all the supervision and attention he requires, I can't settle mentally even when he goes to his day program. It's like I'm in a state of chronic stress.
Things that do help:
-Walking
-Reading fiction (and not feeling guilty for reading in the middle of the day)
-Laughter (mainly from playing games with my daughter and my husband)
-Wordle and the other 3-4 online games I do (I love this early morning routine, accompanied by coffee)
Thanks for writing about self-care and reminding us it's possible, even in small ways.