Self-Empathy On Sunday Morning

Becoming a mindful parent is hard on the days when despair is my default.

This morning I was reading Judith Hanson Lasater's book Teaching Yoga with Intention, the part about giving oneself empathy. My 11 year old son Ocean was taking a rare nap, entangled with me on the couch under an especially fuzzy, cozy blanket. In those moments it is so easy to believe I can communicate in a peaceful, empathetic way. I've been practicing for years, having been introduced to nonviolent communication through the books How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish and What We Say Matters, another gem by Judith Hanson Lasater (with her husband Ike).

Then I felt a headache coming, and self-massage wasn't helping. I wanted so badly to get up and take something to make it stop. It became less delicious and more excruciating every minute that I delayed. When I did extract myself (as slowly as I had when he was a toddler who would only nap attached to me), Ocean woke up. I felt regret, longing for the precious moment to continue, and throbbing in my temples.

Then Ocean demanded to watch YouTube, and there were things I wanted him to do first. Rather than being authoritarian, I was trying to practice nonviolent communication with myself and with him.

I knew what his need was. To numb out with YouTube.

What was I feeling? What were MY needs? What was he FEELING? It takes me time to identify my feelings and needs, and guess at his. I fumbled, knowing that all he really wanted was for me to say yes. Anything else would be taken as a threat to his autonomy and comfort.

His patience for “talks with mom” are low at the best of times, but he had just woken up and was disoriented and cranky. He got fed up and threw a pillow at me.

My thoughts and heart rate sped way up. I saw the plant between us and the glass near me on the table, and while the pillow whizzed past the plant and missed the glass and harmed nothing, my heart leapt and I screamed "I HAVE A NEED FOR SAFETY!!" while he stomped away and slammed his door.

Sigh. I cried for a minute in defeat and despair. Then told myself, maybe next time.

This may not be the best time to tell you the exciting news that I’m teaming up with Amy Weber, LCSW in March to answer the question, “Why won’t my kid listen to me?!?” From Conflict to Collaboration is a group coaching course for parents of intense kids! You will learn strategies that will keep you calm through the stormiest of storms. You'll have more peaceful communication with your child.  There will be less yelling. When you use our simple strategies, everyone will feel heard and respected.You and your child will experience an increase in trust with each other. Comment below if you’d like to know more.

Clearly I haven’t mastered mindful parenting, although most days are better than today. I’ve come to see our progress as non-linear, just like everything in our little neurodiverse family is. I’ll keep you updated on our progress with developing patience, empathy and communication. I still get swept up in his emotional storms. He is affected by mine. Over time, it happens less and less often, despite my kid’s explosive nature, and my own.

Ocean did end up brushing his teeth before watching YouTube, and it was still a lovely cuddle. I’ll take it. :)