If Only I'd Known This When He Was Younger

Relationship is everything.

image by author

My son is autistic. A lot of people seem to forget!

Especially as he has matured, they forget…

…until something triggers him, and suddenly he pops off. Pushed too far, rushed, overstimulated, underfed, or picking up on the tension in the room.

Things can get explosive. 🧨

But that’s not the worst part for me.

By now, I can smell it coming even if I can’t prevent a meltdown. Afterward, I can figure out what went wrong pretty easily, even if I don’t get a do-over.

There’s never a question of being in his corner. It’s us against the problem.

With people I care about, their reactions are the worst part.

• You can hear the record scratch silence.

• Pearl-clutching gasps.

• Saucer eyes 👀 judging how I will respond …before I have time to catch my breath.

No, I don’t want to know how you raised your kids back in the day. Those were your kids. It’s not the same.

No, he’s not in trouble.

No, you really don’t know. You really don’t get it.

I am the one who needs to apologize to HIM, not the other way around.

He has worked so hard, and you can’t see it.

He has certainly worked too hard for me to derail our precious relationship just to appease someone’s expectations, no matter who they are.

He tells me in the aftermath that he doesn’t want to use autism as an excuse. 😢

A Diagnosis is Not an Excuse, but It IS a Reason!

It’s just as valid a reason as any that adults have for OUR OWN explosive behavior, such as yelling or punishing.

Some traits of autism that contribute to meltdowns and explosiveness:

• Frustration tolerance struggles.

• Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions appropriately.

• Challenges with nervous system regulation.

• Difficulty picking up on non-verbal communication clues.

• Struggle to take the perspective of others.

• Challenges transitioning from a preferred to non-preferred task.

• Sensory sensitivity.

What would you add?

These traits are not bad, just like nearsighted people squinting isn’t bad. But we can’t mitigate or reframe the traits above with glasses.

Exploding is a less than ideal way to cope. Nobody wants to do it.

Neurological differences don’t go away just because autistic kids grow up into autistic teens and autistic adults. So what is the rationale behind shaming someone for something when they are truly doing their best?

I don’t understand.

Punishment Achieves 3 Things:

1. Erodes the relationship

2. Appeases witnesses to the behavior

3. Makes the punisher feel temporarily powerful

Nobody feels better or learns from punishment in the long run.

Why should my son always be expected to bend to others’ expectations?

I momentarily forgot my values, and bought into the judgment. That’s not how our relationship works. I know what works for us. I know how he needs to be parented, because he taught me.

I’m sorry honey. I won’t be led astray so easily next time.

This relationship takes care, and now we do the work of repair.

Tired? Discouraged? You’re not alone.

Please join our community here at Atypical Kids Mindful Parents Blog. We’re talking about cycle-breaking, sustainable self-care, and mindful parenting…

…with a goal of tearing down systems of oppression in ourselves, our relationships, families, communities, cultures, and world. 🌎

• If you think meaningful self-care is a waste of time,

• if you believe a person’s value is connected to their productivity,

• if you think mindful parenting is not world-altering,

I’m sorry. You’re missing out on a beautiful movement that is going to create a more inclusive future!

The story that led to this post is sensitive, and therefore behind my very first paywall…