How My Neurodiverse Family Is Prepping for a Summer Filled With Joy and Contentment

Make this summer with your neurodivergent kids not awful.

Hi parents! This is late because we were at the beach this weekend, but I have handouts for you…

Many parents are overwhelmed at the thought of planning summer activities for their neurodiverse family. So how can we make it less awful?

Does any of this sound like you?

1. You force your kids to do activities that you choose, and regret it later.

2. You plan to teach your kids key skills, but buckle under the stress of it all.

3. Your fantasies get waylaid by the reality of parenting your atypical kids.

4. You have great ideas, but give up when your kids shoot all of them down.

5. You just hope to keep them from fighting and off their screens.

Imagine a summer filled with joy and contentment, not just for your kids but for your whole family - including YOU! 

• How would you feel?

• Would it be memorable?

Make Joyful Memories With Just a Little Prep

When we’re raising atypical kids, it helps to get "buy-in," have a loose plan, communicate visually, and have a toolkit of practices to help you stay calm. 

I used to feel responsible for planning the whole summer myself. When my son balked at a lot of the activities I had chosen for him, I felt more and more resentful, because I believed I was "doing it all for him." So many of my plans were driven by external "shoulds…"

…and I wasn't even aware that I had needs of my own. 

Then when my son was in kindergarten I learned a process to collaboratively create a family mission statement. Despite a lot of hesitation about how it could possibly work for my family, I tried it. It was hard at first, but eventually we were able to clarify our family's shared values and priorities.

I simplified our process until we were all comfortable with it and we could repeat it often. That little bit of planning helps us understand where each member of the family is coming from. There are certain things we all agree on, and priorities that we don't share. Getting it all out on the table, literally, gives us some perspective.

In this post, you can expect to:

• Practice calming skills you can take with you anywhere.⁠

• Learn a simple process to create a summer family mission statement⁠

• Co-create realistic plans and goals as a family.⁠

• Prioritize everyone’s feelings and needs, including your own.⁠

Many parents immediately assume, “This won’t work for MY family.”

I’m working on making alternative options more explicit. Please share your questions and suggestions in the comments. We all want to be heard, and there are accessible ways to facilitate that in EVERY family.

If a kid can’t sit at the table to have a family meeting, who cares?

• Pull up a trampoline and break the process into 5 minute chunks.

• Ask one of the questions while walking to school.

• Ask the same question all week.

Is your kid non-speaking? I bet you know what brings them joy! Communicate in any way that works, and scaffold the process however makes sense. You know best.

Create lots of space around the process. This isn’t an all-or-nothing scenario. It’s a ritual that builds over time. If nothing else, journal about your personal “stealth expectations” for summer.

Take ownership of this process. A lot of parents carry trauma from a very different kind of “family meeting” during their childhood. This is not a top-down shame-fest, so maybe it needs a new name. Rename it something meaningful for you. Summer sharing circle? Family wish-fest? Ice-cream sundae night while you scribble some notes?

How to Create a Simple Summer Family Mission Statement

Schedule a “family meeting” (see above) ⁠during a low-stress time when everyone is already together.⁠ ⁠What's the most relaxed and connected time for your family? Dessert? Sunday morning after pancakes? 

Make sure everyone knows in advance that their input is valued and needed. If family members are resistant, or wondering how long it will take, set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes (less for younger kids). In that time, get down as much raw data as you can. Then, call another meeting to complete the process. This is not a one shot deal. You can revise as much as you like, and everyone should have the power to call a family meeting to discuss the plan.

You can all start with a breathing pattern to cool off and calm down together:

Ice Cream Breath

This breath (sitali pranayam) looks funny, so it is great for breaking tension. Teach it to your kids. They can imagine sipping a milkshake through the straw they make with their tongue. Ask, “What flavor is yours?”

• Stick out your tongue, and curl up the sides like a U (if genetically possible).

• Breathe in through the straw created by your curled tongue (or over your extended tongue).

• Breathe out slowly through your nose.

• Continue for 5 or more rounds.

After chilling out together, take out paper and something to write with.

1. Ask everyone, "⁠How do we want to FEEL this summer?⁠⁠"

Write down all answers.⁠ Use as much extra paper as you need.⁠ If you have young children or non-speaking kids, ask for their input in their own way. Just the act of asking and actively listening to each family member is important to the process. They might gesture or draw. You know your kids, so help and coach them until you get the essence of what’s important to them. Be their translator. Check in often to see that you have it right, but don't get into a "Yes/No" dynamic with them. 

This inquiry includes you and other adults. Everyone contributes. ⁠This is where we can all dream.⁠ Every single feeling gets written down. Do not edit anything at this stage. One year, I asked this question, and my husband said “WAVES” so we made sure to feel waves that summer. You will get to know each other’s priorities in this stage.

2. Ask everyone, "How are we going to make these feelings happen?"

Take out another sheet⁠ of paper and brainstorm things to do. Pause often to listen. ⁠Write absolutely everything.⁠ Don’t shoot down any ideas.⁠ Redirect back to the question as often as needed. Take breaks and return to the list of feelings fresh.⁠ Take time with this step. Every feeling gets written down. Get creative. Make sure everyone has something to look forward to.

Do not leave yourself out, or you‘ll be unmotivated to implement the plan. In order to show up as your best self, you need to get clear on your own feelings and needs. So, get some activities on the list that would fulfill your own wishes. 

3. Make everyone's dreams come true! ;)

Group similar ideas together, then have everyone circle their one top priority. Find a way to make each person's top priority happen. Wait, before you scream at me: It doesn’t have to be literal. You can give wishes in fantasy.⁠ You can get creative. If a trip overseas isn’t realistic, build an airplane and play an airplane game, then research recipes from the region…

You know, all that stuff that takes more effort than Netflix. Or, find something about the region on Netflix!

Giving wishes in fantasy, when done respectfully and with enthusiasm, helps kids feel seen. It can be exciting for them to a be part of imagining a way to get their needs met. It is important to know what the core longing is before trying to give it in fantasy.

If my kid wants to go to Paris, and I say we will make crèpes, but he really wants to go to Paris to explore the Catacombs, crèpes won't cut it. So, be a detective. Listen closely, ask questions, and be willing to research unconventional solutions. Maybe there's a dusty crawlspace you can transform with some skulls into Catacombs, or maybe you can find a similar spooky experience closer to home.

You won’t regret giving wishes in fantasy. Make sure your ideas are age-appropriate, so no one feels condescended to. Make sure whoever’s priority it is is also brainstorming solutions, not just shooting them down.  

4. Make it visible by posting a summer calendar.

After focusing on the top priority for each person, schedule them around anything that's already in place. Now, schedule in downtime together. Don't pack your schedule, and keep it as flexible as your family can handle. Post the schedule where everyone can see and refer to it. Put it on the fridge or another high-visibility spot. 

What do you do with all those other great ideas? You now have a treasure box of  ideas for activities to inspire your spontaneity, and a list of target feelings to keep you all motivated. 

When Kids Feel Seen and Heard, They Cooperate

This process can help each family member feel heard and seen. It can also help your kids understand why you want to do whatever your priority is. It helps everyone to know their own “why,” and also to understand each other better. Getting to the “why” is an essential ingredient of a respectful relationship. 

Review and revise your plan all summer!

This is a way to start cooperatively planning, not an end goal. Buy-in to your summer plans will increase dramatically when you create a family mission statement together. Actively listening to each family member is transformative.

TL;DR Version: How My Family Is Prepping for a Summer Filled With Fun and Relaxation

Call a family meeting. This does NOT need to be formal. It might take a few sessions. Grab some paper and get curious.

1. Ask everyone, "⁠How do we want to FEEL this summer?⁠⁠" Write everything down.

2. Ask everyone, "How are we going to make these feelings happen?" Write everything down.

3. Make everyone's dreams come true. There are creative ways to do this!!!

4. Make it visible by posting a summer calendar.

When Ocean was in kindergarten, I learned about creating a mission statement with my family, and I made that into the template you see today.

I’ve tested this method with many neurodiverse families with totally chill results!

Are you going to try it? Let me know in the comments.