6 Minutes to Self-Compassion for Parents
We're parents of neurodivergent kids. Of course we're hard on ourselves.
As parents of neurodivergent kids, we know, when it RAINS, it pours.
I'm re-releasing this popular podcast episode now, because times are tough!
How much time do you spend criticizing yourself?
Do you have 6 minutes for the antidote? This simple process helps me heal my underlying emotional wounds, which in turn helps me be a better parent.
In the process of living a life of meaning, we will be faced with our vulnerability. Raising atypical kids can amplify that 1000%! When parenting mindfully, our emotionally raw places get exposed, and our precarious serenity is challenged.
Every age and phase of Ocean’s life has reawakened a buried feeling from my own childhood, usually from that same age. Especially because I suppressed my feelings and needs, and he doesn’t (can’t/doesn’t have to), I have been triggered.
As a child, I honed my people-pleasing skills to survive in an unstable environment. Not only is Ocean’s brain wired differently from mine, his upbringing is more stable and harmonious. Not perfect… but more chill. Of course, I’m not consciously envious for the life we’ve been privileged to create for him, but there is that grizzled voice in the back of my head that says, “You don’t know how lucky you have it. How can you be so ungrateful? Back in my day…”
I call it my grumpy old man voice.
Is it just me? Do you have a resentful voice too? What do you call yours?
Whatever we call it, it is unhealed trauma and it is demanding to be heard. I know it will get louder the longer I ignore it… Cue mom rage. So, when I hear the grumpy old man voice in my head, or another unheard voice, it’s self-compassion time. Pronto.
The thing about RAINS is, it’s a system. You can repeat it. You can go deeper, savor the experience, spend a week journaling… but you can also go through it very quickly, and half-ass it, and it will still have an impact.
I first learned RAIN from the esteemed meditation teacher Tara Brach. She didn’t invent it. In fact, self-compassion is an ancient meditation practice that has its roots in Buddhism. Researcher Kristin Neff has been called a “pioneer” in the field. While she has disseminated self-compassion in the West, and shown through countless studies that it is effective, Neff learned the practice many years ago on a meditation retreat.
Watch Dr. Neff’s video: Overcoming Objections to Self-Compassion.
Join me in a self-compassion process that helps me heal my underlying emotional wounds, so that I can be a better parent.
Recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture your uncomfortable feelings, and then saturate your nervous system with self-compassion. Trust that whatever is coming up deserves your tenderness and presence.
Transcript:
(Podcast intro.)
The self compassion process called RAIN is the one practice where my underlying feelings and needs feel safe enough to show themselves.
I coax them gently to the surface. And rather than trying to dispose of them, I engage them in a relationship, in a dialogue.
I ask, what do you need?
So try it with me…
Start with one feeling that you'd rather ignore. Something that you're trying not to feel, but don't make it too triggering. Pick a feeling that is within the range that you're willing to work with.
And then get yourself comfortable physically. Long spine. Conscious breath.
Name the feeling. You might actually whisper it or say it out loud. As parents, we often judge ourselves for feeling frustrated or disappointed with our kids. So what if we dropped the denial? And trust it that whatever's arising, no matter how painful, can serve our growth. Whatever is arising Is deserving of our compassion.
Simply name the feeling. As a parent, I know I sometimes jump headfirst into problem solving, and sometimes I do this as a way to make my big feelings go away. Like, if I can just fix everything, resolve the conflict, I don't have to look at my internal process.
And I'm definitely not saying to be complacent, but to simply hit pause. Take a little space from whatever's happening. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and accept the truth of the moment without resistance.
So we've named the feeling. We've allowed the feeling to be here. And now we'll investigate. Discover more about this feeling.
Be curious and listen fully. You might ask, “Where am I feeling this in my body?” And then you can take a hand to where you most feel it. You might be asking, “How old is this emotion?” This is a poignant one for me. I find that as I'm raising my kid, my childhood memories come up of when he was that age. So don't be too surprised if that happens.
Ask the place within you that's most vulnerable, “What do you need to hear right now?” And this leads us to the nurture stage.
Give the kindness that this part of you most needs in order to feel held.
Imagine if your child were feeling this way. What comfort would you give to them? What would you say to them? It might be very simple. Again, not trying to fix, but understand. “It's okay. It's not your fault.” Simply, “I hear you.” And allow yourself to receive these words from your most loving self. So, you're offering and you're also receiving this care, this nurturing. Finally, Saturate.
Soak up the feeling of being alright with what is. What would your life be like if you saw your intrinsic value?
How can you just sit with that feeling with love, receiving love, giving love...
I really appreciate you walking alongside me.
Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids Podcast needs your love to grow!
If you appreciate the strategies, connection, and support here,
help us reach other parents!
Please give it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review on Apple Podcasts.
Read: Radical Self-Love Collaboration
After you sort out all the handcrafted cards and allergy-safe candy for the whole kindergarten class, the reservations for date night, and the treats to help you cat feel beloved...
What's left for YOU?
What would it be like to take some time for your self-care?
Could you treat yourself with love, without any strings attached?
What if you didn't have to earn your own approval?
You have so much to give to your relationships and to the world.
You just can't pour from an empty cup…
Read the rest of this post on Kate’s Compassion & Yoga Blog.
(There are a few sweet giveaways, some gratitude prompts, a meditation on the heart-uterus connection, and a self-love song…)
I want to support you to step outside the paradigm of self-criticism and proving your worth... and open to radical self-love. Self-Love Yoga Flow is a nurturing Valentine's Day workshop for highly sensitive, empathetic people who tend to put themselves last, and want to change that.
Are you ready to care for yourself as lovingly as you care for everyone else? To take up space, and take time for yourself, unapologetically?
Be my honored guest on Wednesday 2/14, 11-11:45 am Eastern.
It’s my Valentine’s Day gift to you:
And a gift: 💝 wellness resources you won't want to miss:
I'm honored to be participating in a new collaboration: The Revitalize & Thrive Ultimate Wellness Collection.
If you want expert support on the quest to find balance in life, and some nourishing self-care and wellness, this is it.
💖 Get the exclusive, handpicked bundle of wellness resources for free, including my Motion is Lotion yoga series that helps sensitive people with sore joints to relieve stiffness and welcome tranquility.
It's like a care package for your body and mind.
Revitalize & Thrive is available from February 5th to 8th only. ⏰
Sign up for your free ticket 🎟️ here, and Let's make 2024 our year of thriving in wellness and joy!
Thanks for addressing the need for parents to practice the behaviors they'd like to see in their kids!