How We Can Help Our Kids and Ourselves Feel Safer Today
We're parents of neurodivergent kids. Of course we need nervous system regulation.
“Not everything is an emergency, but it sometimes feels that way”
— Kate Lynch
What have you heard about Polyvagal Theory? I love sharing about how it informs my parenting. I’m so glad Matthew Sloane from Fatherhood Dojo invited me to talk with him about one of my favorite topics! Listen to the podcast, watch the video, or read the transcript below.
Polyvagal Parenting: Moving Through Family Dysregulation Toward Harmony
Together we explore how nervous system regulation can positively impact family dynamics. His thoughtful questions showcase the depth of this topic and our shared passion for the pursuit of self-regulation supported by an understanding of Polyvagal Theory.
There are effective ways to support your children in regulating their energy, but they may not be what you expect.
In this conversation, Matt and I get personal, sharing stories of our own struggles with managing our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses. I offer tips to honor those survival instincts, including simple practices you can do in less than a minute.
You’ll gain practical techniques and transformative insights. Together, without judgment, we’ll climb the ladder of managing fear, starting with small steps. Understanding why we're feeling overwhelmed or burnt out is helpful, but it’s not enough.
I’ll offer you hands-on strategies to find your calm before engaging with your kids…
…IF calm is what’s called for in the moment.
We examine the internalized judgment that can infiltrate our parenting, and the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion.
But it's not all about the challenges - we also celebrate the moments of connection and beautiful memories that come with the territory of parenting. We underscore how Polyvagal Theory can help us differentiate emergencies from opportunities for growth for both us and our neurodivergent (or neurotypical) children.
It’s a reminder to all parents that, in the space between stimulus and response, there's room for growth and connection.
Thanks to Matt Sloane of fatherhooddojo.com for sharing the interview so that I could make it available to you here.
A version of this post was originally published on Fatherhood Dojo.
Transcript:
Matthew Sloane: What's possible when you do the work around polyvagal theory and nervous system regulation? What are some of the newer experiences that can come from that work?
Kate Lynch: Well, for me, it's noticing, what's about my triggers and what's true in the moment.
And also, is this an emergency, or is this an opportunity for me to look more deeply at my own stuff and grow?
Hi Parents, are you feeling overwhelmed parenting your neurodivergent kids during these stressful times? Yeah, me too.
Welcome to Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids, a neurodiversity affirming parenting podcast where you'll find connection, strategies, and support for your journey.
The other day I sat down with Matthew Sloan of Fatherhood Dojo to talk about two of my favorite subjects: polyvagal theory, and mindful parenting
if you're curious about how nervous system regulation can support your parenting, this conversation is full of little practices and big insights about how your family can benefit from polyvagal theory, what it is, and what it is not.
Matt graciously shared the recording so you could hear it here on our podcast. I encourage you to go follow him on fatherhood dojo.com, especially if you are a father.
Matthew Sloane: I recently completed an online course about nervous system regulation based on polyvagal theory, and I resonated with this work because it promised to help me address being anxious or shut down and making bad choices, and it has helped me. So I now have a practice with which to support the part of me that perceives danger when in reality I'm safe.
And from this place, I'm little by little making better decisions when facing stress, which is very good for me and my family.
Joining me today for this conversation is Kate Lynch. When I learned that Kate has been using polyvagal theory specifically to support parents and families, I wanted to dig into this topic with her for my own benefit and all of you listening as well.
Kate is a trauma informed mindfulness coach who's been raising an amazing neurodivergent kid for 13 years.
Kate, thank you for being here. I'm grateful to be speaking with you.
Hi, Matt.
Hello. So we face a lot of uncertainty today. And the question a lot of parents are asking is, how can I help my kid feel safe when I feel unsafe myself? Which really landed with me.
My understanding is through your coaching, parents are realizing the importance of nervous system in supporting themselves and their kids to feel less stress and more confidence.
And in a sense, mindfully engaging with polyvagal theory is one way to be a more resilient human being in the face of uncertainty, which is a great skill to have in today's world. So let's start, Kate, [00:03:00] with a little bit about what a family might be experiencing before they start using Polyvagal Theory and Nervous System Regulation.
Maybe we can start with anything you recall from before you and your family were using this kind of regulation.
Kate Lynch: Yeah, I was in a great deal of distress when my son was younger. He had a lot of developmental issues, delays and I was confused. I really didn't know what was going on. And that is very stressful as a parent to be so confused, to not understand and not have what our experience was as a family match up to the books I was reading or to my friends experiences with their kids and their family. So it was super stressful.
I was pretty hyper focused on getting him to be different. And even though I had been a yoga teacher for over 10 years, I had completely dropped any kind of practice of my own and I was really spun out. And I see that in parents that I work with all the time.
I mean, it's totally understandable in our culture, because we believe that we are supposed to already know. Every other job has training, except this one.
[00:04:16] Matthew Sloane: Yeah, if I think of… In my family, a dysregulated family might look like shouting, a lot of pointed accusations, in the heat of a moment, a response to a disagreement, like a shutting down either aggressively or a withdrawal, like a person themselves shutting down and just be like, fine, but not really engaging. I know we'll get into nuance of these things, but anything else you would say to paint a picture for what a family might look like when there is so much dysregulation?
Kate Lynch: Well, in those times for us, there were also beautiful moments of regulation. There were these times when we would all just lie there and stare at the fan spinning together and meet him in his sensory interests. I remember moments of swinging together and cuddling together as really beautiful memories. So there's also that, you know, even when we're not aware of our regulation state, we can have these moments of connection and repair and build something for sure. It's just, it's not ALL that. And that's kind of the advertisement for parenting.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. And hopefully it's not all that kind of the hell picture that can be painted as well.
Kate Lynch: Then we come to it with our own experiences from our childhood. So many parents I talked to are like, I didn't know that when my kid turned three, I would suddenly have this, visceral emotion arise that
corresponds with something that happened to me when I was three or when I was eight or 12, whatever.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. With, can you give me an example of that? Like a [00:06:00] kind of thing that might happen to a child at three or eight that could be triggered when a parent has a child at that age?
Kate Lynch: I don't mind talking about my own stuff, but I don't want to be too triggering for parents. So there's something that I remembered when my son turned 11 or 12 that I hadn't thought of in a long time that was a time of like extreme unsafety for me that I was able to get myself out of but I never told anyone about it and it could have been a lot worse Yeah, and I hadn't thought about it
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, I can give an example from my life, and it's not a strong trigger, but a subtle one, which is like if my son says something about how a boy at school is hitting him and he's like four years old, it will trigger the part of me that once felt bullied. Whether at that age or any time around that age, and then I will get protective and have to be careful to make sure I assess the reality of the situation instead of jumping to any conclusions. But it certainly came from that part of me that once experienced something like a bullying from someone else.
Right. Absolutely.
What about what's possible when you do the work around polyvagal theory and nervous system regulation, what are some of the newer experiences that can come from that work?
Kate Lynch: Well, for me, it's noticing, what's about my triggers and what's true in the moment.
And then also is this an emergency in this moment? Or is this an opportunity for me to look more deeply at my own stuff and grow?
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, that I'm just being able to pause and have that awareness and self reflection in the moment is huge.
Kate Lynch: Yeah. And so many of the things in parenting that we see as emergencies in the moment.
If we do step back, even if something feels really urgent, like my kid is, throwing something or hitting me, that beat that we take can often be worth it. Like as long as they're not running into the street. They're running into the street or they're like gonna clobber another kid with a hammer or something, yeah, of course, you've got to react immediately but so often there's that little space we can take between the stimulus and the response.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, that's a practice for sure that I'm, I know that I'm engaged in and will be for the rest of my life.
Kate Lynch: Yeah. And I found it much, much easier before I was a parent. Yeah. Something about parenting does.
Finds all the buttons.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, right. When you discovered polyvagal theory, what felt important about it for you?
Kate Lynch: Well, I've always been interested in [00:09:00] nervous system and anatomy in general, but specifically nervous system and how it aligns like with yogic physiology, which is more about energetics and chakras and things like that.
The energetics of our bodies are very interesting to me. And when I started learning about my son's neurodivergence, then that was like a whole other layer. Then somehow I started, I don't remember exactly when, but I started reading about Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory and just went down this huge rabbit hole that has not stopped for like years.
I was like, this is incredible. And I started working with it in my own practice, like, how can I work with these states? And when I first learned about the polyvagal theory, there was a lot of more prescriptive, like how to get your kid to do this or that and maybe that's when I first learned about it was in like the more behaviorist channels when you have an autistic kid a lot of times there's a lot of behavioral training that happens and they're like, oh, there's the red zone blue zone the green zone and these are zones of regulation. We want to get the kid back to The green zone, you know, this is where the kids should be.
And that is often used as a behaviorist model, as a way to manipulate or coerce the kid to be in the state that we want them to be. Cause it's more convenient for us. It is better for learning for sure. But if there's a reason to be sad, then, there's a reason to be sad.
That's why they're in that shutdown state or that collapse state. If there's a reason that things feel unsafe, then they should be in that fight or flight state because that is the most appropriate to them in that moment. So hopefully we can change the environment. And then I started teaching it in my yoga classes and a lot of my parent students were having amazing results there as well. So now, I bring it into coaching and it can help the whole family.
[00:11:08] Matthew Sloane: I'm feeling like maybe you can give a brief definition of what, how would you describe polyvagal to someone, on the street, so to speak, before we go deeper.
Kate Lynch: Great question. So the vagus nerve is in our brain stem, and it just has the root there, but it is a vagrant nerve, like it expands out and goes in lots of different directions.
So it has all these branches that come up into our face, Okay. And head down into our organs and gut. So it's related to the facial muscles that we use when we're connecting. And that is the ventral vagal zone. So when we feel safe to connect with others, when we feel relational, that is [00:12:00] stimulated.
And there's a kind of back and forth response. Like, oh, I see your face, you look calm and content. That's giving me information for my vagus nerve. Now my face is going to possibly mirror yours. In the ventral vagal or safe and social state. Then when we go out of that and we feel unsafe, it's actually a different system that takes over and that's the sympathetic state of the nervous system. So that's along the whole central channel. That gives us lots of energy to either run away if we feel unsafe. Or to stay and fight. When those things don't work, if we're unsafe and those things don't work, then it moves to the dorsal vagal. Which means lower into our gut. When we feel like we can't run away and we can't fight, we're not going to be able to overcome the aggressor. We go into this more shutdown state to preserve life. And that might feel like we're numbing out.
That might feel like we can't even really feel where our body is, or it feels like sadness or just exhaustion. Does that make sense? And I know you've done some training, so you should fill in the gaps.
Matthew Sloane: Sure. What I can say is I learned that it's common that we have a default defensive state or a default state we will go into more familiarly. So like for me, especially when I was younger, my default was to go into that dorsal withdrawn shutdown state. Um, and I'm sure I learned that at some point that that was safer than any kind of fight or raising my energy.
So it tended that that followed me through into my even young adulthood, that my defensive strategy was like withdrawal. And get quiet or walk away. And then otherwise it does map with terms people have heard, like, the fight flight is very often associated with sympathetic.
And then the freeze or what is there another word? You know, that's associated with dorsal.
Kate Lynch: I used collapse. Then there are also those mixed states, which makes it a little more complicated. I was reading about fawn this morning.
Matthew Sloane: Oh, yeah. That's a good high level view of what polyvagal theory is.
And I guess I would add it's that system that is looking out to protect us based on millions, if not more of pieces of data, and often misinterpret safety in the. Current reality based on old information that hasn't been fully processed or challenged from within us. So I remember maybe a dog bit me when I was three and now when I go near dogs, I like I tighten up and I have one of those reactions. I [00:15:00] haven't found a way to process that old memory in my system and show myself little by little, but it's actually safe for the most part.
To be around certain dogs and just not shut down necessarily be more than a current reality instead of that old memory.
Kate Lynch: Exactly. And when we're talking about polyvagal theory, sometimes we're talking about just like general nervous system regulation, but we're often talking about trauma and everyone has some sort of trauma.
So that's a trauma. Yeah. And the dog biting you doesn't stay on that timeline of when you were three because That's one of the traits of trauma is that it's not sticking on the timeline. It doesn't stay where it's told It follows us until we do bring it to the surface, resolve it, and even then it might still be with us.
I mean mammals have this same polyvagal system that we do because we evolved to stay safe. We needed these structures and those who didn't have these structures probably got eaten by the lions or bears or whatever, you know? So having these practical defenses is valuable and good. And that's why I don't like it when they say, the green zone. We want to get back to the safe and social state all the time like no there are times when I'm gonna need a couple days. You know, somebody I love died or whatever. I think I'm gonna need some time curled in a little ball and it's appropriate. I don't have to immediately get myself back together and get back to work.
Matthew Sloane: I really appreciate you saying that because I think in our culture, that's the default is to have that should feeling like why am I unable to do this thing that would you know, allow me to say I've been productive today or whatever it is that goes along with a very competitive, driven culture like ours to always be able and doing.
Even speaking to the way our culture might influence us to feel like it's not okay to be out of the green zone and then the extra energy that Gives us against ourselves when we're in these other states and even permission to be dysregulated and let that be a natural course on the way back to another more safe space.
Kate Lynch: Right. And I do find in myself and with my clients that giving ourselves permission and not being in a shame spiral about it is the best and possibly only way to start to move out of it. So if I'm just totally burnt out because of whatever season of life I have a lot of students say to me, but when should I make myself start to do more movement?
And honestly, it's like sometimes instead of [00:18:00] overriding your nervous system, it might be you literally like you're moving like one finger and then the next finger and then the next finger. And that's your practice. It's just like something so subtle, wiggle your toes, yawn. You know, go into the quiet, slow, slothful state and really relish it and be nourished by it rather than wanting to try and claw yourself away from it.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, that reminds me of when a person has a fear, let's say a fear of snakes, and that danger in going to that extreme point of like, oh, just jump into a snake pit, you'll figure it out, and then you'll be fine, versus, let's look at a picture of a snake.
Okay, that's like, uh, one step up the ladder of familiarity and comfort. Now, okay, let's look at a snake behind glass from 10 feet away.
Kate Lynch: And my son used to draw pictures of things. He still he actually sometimes makes movies of scary things now, but he used to draw pictures of things he was scared of, which I think is very empowering.
Matthew Sloane: Oh, yeah. Right. Like as a way to process to it. Yeah. Yeah. So all of this, like how to be, how to honor where we are with a like even that sloth energy, if that's where we are, how to honor that, which is so again, counter to our culture.
Kate Lynch: Yeah. But also then what if we have a kid who's stuck in a fight state?
Yeah. So figuring out things that help them to have that same level of whether it's mobilization, like a lot of times movement, dance parties, going for a run, karate class, kicking something other than a person, and having agency over their lives can be super helpful. Yeah. A lot of times that fight state is triggered by not feeling like there's a choice It's just scary not having a choice
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, I like where you just started going with the opportunities to give our kids a space where that energy is appropriate and they can play with it. Like you said karate class Kicking something that's not a person Yeah, let's talk a little bit about some of the Maybe they would be called strategies to support a child to move energy appropriately from different states
Kate Lynch: Well, what's interesting is when you say support a child, this is often where parents want to go So I gave some examples for kids, right?
Yeah, go running with your kid or go, play tag or something if they're in the flight state there are things we can do we used to chase each other and wrestle around the apartment He's a little big for that now, but if you can do that and get into play, it's really helpful But what's even more helpful than strategies?
For the kids [00:21:00] is helping parents get regulated, be aware of their state, their nervous system state and have neuroception, have that awareness of where we are, whether you're using polyvagal theory or not, checking in with your own state before trying to engage.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. Can you say a little more about why that's so important?
[00:21:28] Kate Lynch: Well, the very first way we learn regulation is through co regulation, and I love this analogy of the second chicken. Have you heard this? No. Okay. I'm excited. If you imagine a chicken, you know, surrounded by other chickens, just pecking away at the dirt being a chicken, and then it hears a loud noise and it looks up and looks around and it sees the next chicken over just pecking away and totally fine.
So it's like, okay, cool. And goes back to pecking. But if it sees that other chicken, the next one to it, the most proximity, the one they're in a relationship with. If it sees that chicken starting to run in circles, guess what it's going to do? It's going to start running around in circles.
Panicking because it sees the other chicken doing that. So we are the other chicken to our kids. Whether we like it or not, they are co regulating with us and they are looking because they're too young when they're little to have a regulated nervous system all on their own. That's not how we evolved as mammals. We evolved with a need to co regulate and that is how we get our needs met because we are not self sufficient in any way when we're first born or even those first couple of years of life as humans.
So we are looking for someone to co regulate with and that gets to be the primary caregiver most of the time.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. So then, what could we explore here, Kate, about, let's say the parent taking on more of that ownership of regulation where could you go to give us a sense of what a parent could play with to be that more regulated self before engaging?
Kate Lynch: I gave a couple of examples for the dorsal ventral state, like the shutdown state, like wiggling your toes or letting yourself take a nap. Yawning is another fantastic one because we yawn when we are safe. So it's a body up or bottom up approach to telling our brains that we're safe.
So even if you try it right now, if you want, try it with me, yawn.
Matthew Sloane: Yawn. Yeah, when you said the word, I was already, the suggestion was already planted. What's that? Once you said the word yawn, the suggestion was already planted and I could feel the desire. It's amazing, isn't it?
Kate Lynch: It triggers a yawn response. And you might notice [00:24:00] before and after, like, did that help me or not? That's why we have so many different strategies because we've got to find one that really is home for us, and is going to be connected to whatever you said, your deepest groove is the shutdown groove.
I would say my deepest groove is probably the fight groove, the fight and flight, but specifically fight was my strategy growing up to keep myself safe. So things I've found to be helpful are mobilization, like even walking in place or shaking, like shaking your hands. Just shake your hands like you're trying to flick rings off your fingers and things like that.
Just shake.
[00:24:40] Matthew Sloane: So this is honoring the energy that's already there in a sympathetic state?
Kate Lynch: Exactly. Honoring the sympathetic energy, that state of being a little shaky and a little jumpy and a little activated. And sometimes by going there and meeting it, or like for the fight response, I might do like a roar, like a lion. Did you ever watch Ted Lasso? So there's a character in it named Rebecca and she's like this powerful, rich CEO lady, but she's going into a meeting with like more powerful, richer, white men and she does this thing beforehand where she makes herself really big and makes claws and then roars.
And I'm going to do it. You don't have to do it you don't want to, but Oh, yeah, makes herself really big and scary a couple of times before walking into that place where she might feel a little threatened. Does that make sense?
Matthew Sloane: So let me clarify. If I'm a person who has a natural sympathetic response in a state where I feel unsafe, like walking into a room of people where I have to show myself and present myself, um, then I need to honor that energy even right as it's appearing, which could be before I even walk into the situation.
And so this is that character's version of okay, honor it before.
Kate Lynch: yeah, she makes herself big and powerful. Yeah, kind of. Pulls up that energy. Yeah. It's there within us, but to like, bring it up and make it almost like turning something around.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. And it reminds me of you had mentioned play.
Yeah. As a state, maybe this, it almost sounds like if I'm doing that before and I'm almost engaging in a bit of a play with myself. Is that accurate or what else would you say about that? The play state.
Kate Lynch: Play is awesome. It's so cool It's like a great way as long as we are again like aware of our own state because play can start to get Competitive right so play is a mixed state Between safe and social and the fight state.
Especially if there's a little competition, you might notice, I noticed with my son all the time, if we're playing a game and we have to ride that line, because if he starts to win too [00:27:00] much, then he gets really you know, hah, alpha and if he starts to lose too much, then he wants to shut down or gets mad or somebody's cheating or whatever So there's this play is such a wonderful state to experiment with what happens when we move between states and we're not always in that safe and social happy go lucky all the time, because it's going to happen in life.
Nice. But the specific play that I found to be really helpful with my son was roughhousing, running, chasing each other around the house and not hurting each other, of course, like we always had the safe word or whatever, but getting physical.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, I like that. That's worked for me as well with my kids.
So the other piece here was I don't want to lose this thread. Maybe we'll just carry it throughout, which is that the parent wants to be aware of their own experience first. Just at least aware, even if they can't do anything right away. But am I going to this conversation in a sympathetic state where I can naturally feel I'm I just want to fight.
Then I have a choice to make. Am I going to do something to help honor that energy instead of going into aggression towards another person or not? So I have to make that choice. And then if I do choose, how can I honor that energy in some physical way?
Kate Lynch: And even before that. Is this appropriate? Does this match the context?
That's the main thing is like maybe I need this flight energy.
To run out into the middle of traffic to pick up my kid and get them back to safety. There might be a really good reason that I need this energy, right? Yeah Maybe there's someone threatening my way of life and I need to go and protest, whatever. There are a lot of ways that it's appropriate to be in that state.
Yeah, that's why I don't like demonizing any of the states.
Matthew Sloane: Sure Yeah, I would give myself as an example like I've gotten heated Inappropriately when it's like time to go to bed and it hasn't been happening at the timing that I want so that's a good example. Maybe it was like it's not actually an emergency.
So all that extra energy Doesn't match the situation. Yeah, is that fair? Yeah.
[00:29:10] Kate Lynch: Yeah, and I've been there. That's really so universal. We're done at the end of the day and our kids are seeking connection and they just want that connection so bad and going to sleep feels like disconnecting for them. For us, we know, I'm right here in the other room, but for them as soon as they close their eyes, you're gone. So especially when they're little And then, if our plate or our bucket or whatever has been really full and we haven't had any decompression time and then the only time we get is after they go to bed, then that's, yeah, that's a total recipe for disaster.
And I, I actually wrote on when my son Ocean was younger, I learned that phrase, it's not an emergency, Dr. Laura [00:30:00] Markham. I wrote it on post its and put it on the fridge, put it on the bathroom mirror, put it all over the house. He comes home from school and he asked me like, what is up with this?
Then I was able to tell him, you can help me remember when, I'm acting like something's an emergency and it's not, you can actually say it to me. So he did a couple of times. He'd be like, mom, it's not an emergency.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. Oh, wow.
Kate Lynch: Then we were able to laugh about it.
Matthew Sloane: I like that. That's giving the appropriate voice to our kids to help us manage a situation instead of us always feeling like we have to be the ones in control.
Kate Lynch: Yeah, it does take humility.
Matthew Sloane: Right? Yeah.
[00:30:40] Kate Lynch: It's really important to me is like having a respectful relationship with him where I acknowledge my challenges where I'm not always going to be this super self regulated meditation queen. Sometimes things are going to trigger me and upset me. And sometimes things he does, they're going to me off.
Yeah. And sometimes when he doesn't go to bed, it really pisses me off.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. What let's talk about that. There was another thread that I really appreciated, which was the, How to make sure that we're not trying to get our kids into regulation because it's more convenient for us. What else is there for you?
Either and it could be anything. I'm just curious to dive into that a bit.
Kate Lynch: Yeah, well, having a neurodivergent kid, having a kid with a disability has really thrown me into this world of, being very aware of disability rights and of ableism in our culture …and what was the original question?
Because I can totally offer this one.
Matthew Sloane: it's okay. The, how do we hold that as parents? The idea that we, we don't want to just force our kids into a regulated state because it's more convenient for us.
Kate Lynch: Right. So there's that not wanting our kids to be dysregulated because it's inconvenient, but there's also the shame aspect that can sometimes come up.
If we were shamed as kids for being inconvenient, which often that's all it is, it's not like we were really bad or anything, but we were just being inconvenient or noisy or something. If we were shamed for that, then it's very hard I think to realize, oh, these are just kids being kids and this is part of them being the way that they are supposed to be, and instead trying to get them to be different from what they can do. Developmentally, they may not be able to do it. And then the other layer of having kids with differences is we have our own lens on it, but then we also might be looking at it from an outside observer's view because of this internalized ableism that we're always carrying around. So [00:33:00] there's also that layer of it, like, I don't want you to be judged by the outside world.
So I'm going to try and control you and protect you from that judgment by changing you. When really what we need to do is change the world.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. And our own judgment.
Kate Lynch: Yeah, our internalized judgment. And when that judgment arises, be aware of it.
Yeah. Oh, what's that? Where's that coming from? Because that's definitely not how I really see my kid.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. Nice.
I wonder if there's anything more. I know we touched on some of the different states. Is there anything else about? The polyvagal theory as different states that you feel are important for parents to know about either for themselves to understand a bit about the regulation or just to be able to acknowledge what might be going on for their kids.
Kate Lynch: Well, I can share a story that isn't really about parenting. And it is and it isn't.
I don't like to drive at night anymore. And. There was a time several months ago when I was driving with my family, I was driving, it was dark and it was really bad weather and I got a migraine from looking at the lights of all the oncoming cars.
Also it was very, very windy where we were. So it did feel white knuckle scary, unsafe. And I just kind of had to grit and get through it. And then we got there and we were safe and everything was fine. And I don't know if I ever really like discharged that energy properly, because the next time I had to drive at night, I was alone.
It was a shorter distance. I was in the suburbs, I was not on a windy country road and the weather was fine, but it was dark and that triggered a lot of anxiety and I noticed so much white knuckling. And I suddenly realized that I was back in that same state of feeling really unsafe.
The level of responsibility wasn't there as much because I was alone in the car. So I didn't feel like I had other people's lives in the balance. And then. I noticed that I was gripping the steering wheel really tight. My jaw was really tight My breath was very shallow And I was getting angry at every other driver, even though they weren't really doing anything wrong. What I noticed I was trying to do was get home as fast as possible to beat this, and get it over with. And that, of course, was causing an unsafe situation.
So I started focusing on my breath. So there are times we're going to want to be able to regulate our nervous system. I didn't want to stay in that flight state. So I started focusing on slow exhales, sounded exhales like a sigh or blowing out. I started doing that and I also kept telling myself like, you're a good driver, Kate.
It's [00:36:00] okay. You're gonna make it. You'll be fine. What if you slow down instead of speeding up? I just had to keep reminding myself over and over, like scan my body, relax my jaw, relax my shoulders. Those kind of strategies can be really helpful, whether we're with our kids or not, when we're in a situation where it feels unsafe. Asking like, is this really unsafe? And how could I help myself?
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, I appreciate that story. And I can see myself in different versions of my life.
You had mentioned before we got on this call, Kate, that. You might like to guide us through something. [00:36:37]
Kate Lynch: Yeah. Well, maybe we'll do that. So, you might find a comfortable seat...
Imagine a time that was stressful for you and you really needed to, for whatever reason, change your state. Yes, I'm saying that it's okay to be in the state that's appropriate to the context. But what if you notice like this is the context, it completely doesn't match where I am and I'm being triggered by something from my past, then, yes, we can do top down strategies like, think of something that you could tell yourself that might change your perception even just a little bit like I'm a good parent. Like I told myself I am a good driver and then the physiological stuff, sometimes if we have a lot of tension in our bodies, we can tense and release.
So you might make a prune face and bring your shoulders towards your ears, make fists, and then let that go. And you could draw your shoulders way back behind you, feel your upper back, let that go. Then breathe into your belly. Filling up your belly and then your chest pause for a moment with a full breath in, then let that go in a big sigh.
You could squeeze your legs, your butt, your toes, let that go. And you can keep doing this, like scanning from head to toe and just notice, is there a place that is holding onto a lot of that tension. And another thing that physiologically can really help is to make a sound with our breath and let the exhale be longer than the inhale.
So any kind of sound, if you want to hum or sigh, sometimes it has to be a very subtle sound because we're in a place like an office where we can't go around making roaring sounds or humming sounds.
You can experiment with different sounds. Sometimes just 30 seconds, there's this teacher I follow Nkem Ndefo, and she says if something doesn't work in 30 seconds, get yourself a new strategy because for us, it needs to work that fast.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. And why, why would you say [00:39:00] the physiology is so important?
There's, we live in a world where there's a lot of mantras and affirmations. What is it about the physiology that is supportive in this moment?
Kate Lynch: I love that you're throwing me this bone. You probably know the answer to this already. The information coming from the brain stuff in our heads into our nervous system in our bodies is only 20 percent of the information, but there's 80 percent that's going from our bodies to our brains. 80 20 rule. Do something with your body and it will feed the regulation in your brain.
Matthew Sloane: I get it. Yeah. It's sounds like when you get the body engaged in the regulations and it gives the signals of regulation to the brain. You can't just use the brain to tell the body what to do.
Kate Lynch: Yeah, but there's also brain like cells in our guts and brain like cells in our hearts.
Oh, interesting. And of course our nervous system is not staying in our brain, like that vagus nerve it goes into our faces and our, but it also travels down into all of our inner organs. It's an amazing complex system that we have. And if we think of ourselves as mammals, I think it really helps both in parenting and in nervous system regulation.
[00:40:17]
Matthew Sloane: Yeah, I think of cultures where whether it's karaoke or like things that are regularly practiced that might actually be a place where you get to move energy in such a physical way. That in effect, you're doing something that the body needs and you might actually be working through some experience from earlier in the day that didn't get to move all the way out of your system, dancing around a fire.
For me, I danced all the time in college and all those like physical movements seem to be part of a practice that's maybe harder to keep up as a parent, especially.
Kate Lynch: Highly recommend the kitchen dance parties. Yeah. Like, all right, we'll have dessert in a minute, but first we're going to dance to Happy or whatever it is your song is for your family, and be like, we're going to go crazy together. A 13 year old really won't do it anymore, but if we put on the right dubstep song, maybe, we'll find our ways.
Matthew Sloane: Yeah. Well, Kate, just as we wrap this is there anything you wanna leave parents listening with?
Kate Lynch: That you're not alone. That's the main thing. No matter how hard things are, there's someone else who's experienced something very, very similar, if not the exact same feeling as you. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not alone, and just reach out and be vulnerable and you'll find your people. And it's a lot easier to do when we have community.
Matthew Sloane: Mm hmm. Yep. And for people listening, if you want to reach out to Kate, there will be notes in the post here. And your main website, Kate, if you could just say it for people listening.
Kate Lynch: It's Healthy Happy Yoga is my main website. On Substack, I'm Kate Lynch.
Matthew Sloane: Thank you so much for this time today, Kate. I appreciate it.
Kate Lynch: Thank you, Matt. Parents, this is your community.
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Thank you for listening to Mindfully Parenting Atypical Kids. I really appreciate you walking alongside me.
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